


THIS GAME HAS NO NAME

by PureProse



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Complete, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Infidelity, Pining, Rape/Non-con Elements, Romance, Sex, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-01-06 00:26:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18377174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PureProse/pseuds/PureProse
Summary: Memories are physical, they recite in the brain, in the nerve cells.The brain you leave my room with is therefore physically different than the brain you entered my room with.A few cells have changed, switched contact in the network, bound themselves to new cells, different cells.That you can remember being here at all is a purely physical change in the tissue that is you.After each time I see you,I am no longer the same.After each time I stop seeing you,I am no longer the same.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------After the war, Hermione is unable to restore her parent's memories.  Standing without a support system except for friends she agrees to marry Ron the summer after her 8th year at Hogwarts. The wedding has been planned and everything is set up for the future. Then, she starts having second thoughts. Will she be able to love him as something other than a friend?One night, in early February, she gets drunk and bumps into Draco Malfoy in a similar state. What happens next is out of everybody’s control.





	1. Memories

Memories are physical, they recite in the brain, in the nerve cells.   
The brain you leave my room with is therefore physically different than the brain you entered my room with.  
A few cells have changed, switched contact in the network, bound themselves to new cells, different cells.  
That you can remember being here at all is a purely physical change in the tissue that is you.

After each time I see you,  
I am no longer the same.

After each time I stop seeing you,  
I am no longer the same.

* * *

  **February 1999**

Once upon a time, her mother had told her that it took three weeks for a habit to form, for it to get under your skin and make its way into the chemical makeup of your brain. Three weeks to become a part of you, sometimes a lifetime to overcome. 

She told herself it was okay that it happened once, twice even. As long as it didn’t become a habit, surely everything was going to be okay. She was happy with Ron, wasn’t she? She just needed a bit of adventure before settling down. Surely no one could blame her for that.

When it happened the first time she'd been drunk, and so had he. She was wandering back to the 8thyear shared common room to get to bed when she stumbled over someone sitting on the floor. Well, she might have been stumbling a bit before that too, but that was not the point. As she lay on the floor, trying to get up, strong hands had caught her by the elbow and hoisted her up. She looked up into the grey eyes of Draco Malfoy smiling sheepishly at her. A flask of Ogden’s finest was laying by his feet, empty.  She was a bit stunned at the fact that he had helped her up.

“Thanks,” she mumbled looking down.

“You’re welcome” he answered voice steady. As she glanced up at him his eyes were still studying her.

“Your hair looks pretty,” he said as though to himself, lifting a hand and pulling on one of her curls. Hermione was stunned, where were these niceties coming from? Perhaps Malfoy was a happy,  complimentary drunk.

“Uhm, yeah, thanks, I washed it” she breathed out. 

Then he did something she would have never imagined in a million years. He grabbed her hair, laced his fingers through it holding her head in place, and kissed her. What was even stranger was that she kissed him back. After a hot minute standing in an abandoned hallway kissing as their life depended on it, she guided him into a classroom. Both unsteady on their feet, they continued to kiss and feel each other up.

Draco spun her around, pressing her to the classroom wall next to the door. He pressed his body into hers and she could feel his hard length against her lower abdomen. He started to nip his way down her neck and across her collarbone. Hermione moaned as she could feel her body heating up, liquid soaking her panties. She was so turned on, and in her foggy mind, it just felt so, so, right. 

She rested her hands in his hair, running her fingers through it as he continued his ministration. Slowly his hands came up, unclasping her robes, making sure to squeeze her breasts on their way. He began unbuttoning her shirt, deftly pressing kisses as he went. Her mind went blank as his lips closed around one of her nipples that were standing on edge through her sheer bralette. 

They did not speak, only continued. Hermione rested her hand on the bulge in his pants, fitting her hand around it and giving him a firm squeeze. Draco groaned, finding the zipper to her skirt and unzipping it. It pooled around her ankles and suddenly he dropped to his knees. 

He looked up at her with those silver eyes and deliberately ran his nose up the front side of her knickers, inhaling sharply. His pupils seemed to dilate as he smelled her arousal. He leaned forward again nipping her inner thighs with his lips and teeth. Hermione stifled a moan as pleasure shot through her. She rested her hands once more in his hair. Tugging. 

Draco ran both hands up the front of her legs, stopping at the top of her panties, then slowly pulled them off to join her skirt on the floor. Hermione was now only wearing a half-open shirt and bra. She let go of his hair and pulled the shirt over her head. Draco looked at her through half-lidded eyes. 

"Take the bra off too", he said, roughly, and she complied. She was standing completely naked with a fully dressed Draco on his knees in front of her, leaning against the cold castle wall. Draco leaned forward kissing his way from hipbone to hipbone. He lifted her left leg putting it over his shoulder, then his mouth was on her. He grazed his teeth against her outer lips, then kissed the same path. His tongue darted out and he licked the length of her cleft. He stopped at her clitoris, flicking it lazily. Hermione moaned. She had never been this aroused in her entire life. He started sucking on her bud, while his hand traveled up from her ankle to her center. Slowly he pushed a finger into her whilst sucking and licking her gently. Then another. 

Hermione began rocking her hips into his hands, riding it. It didn't take long before the pleasure of him pumping into her and the continued pleasuring of her clit sent her over the edge. She slumped forward, grasping his head and like a wolf, she howled as her orgasm ran its course. 

Once she released him, Draco got back up. He quickly discarded with his clothes as she leaned lazily against the wall. 

"Come here," he said gently, beckoning her towards the teacher's desk at the head of the room. She followed suit not daring to say anything. Her mind was fussy and on fire at the same time. It was a fire of passion she'd never felt before, and it was running through her entire being. Draco positioned her in front of the desk then made her lean over it. He pressed his body to hers, nipping at her ear.

"I am going to take you now," he muttered gruffly. He smoothed the hair, that had fallen over her face, off and grabbed a hand-full anchoring her in place. Hermione placed her hands on both sides of her head. She felt very exposed. She could hear him muttering a contraceptive spell, then the clatter of his wand being dropped to the floor. She felt the head of his penis pressing against her opening. Then he rammed forward, grinding her forward into the desk, holding her curls tight in his fist. 

He placed his other hand on the small of her back holding her in place as he fucked her roughly from behind. 

His dick was larger than what she was accustomed to and she could feel her vaginal walls clenching, trying to accommodate him. The pace was fast, the thrusts punishing. Draco grunted as he drove into her. Hermione could feel herself building around him. She'd never come from penetration alone before and the idea thrilled her. He was hitting a sacred spot inside her that made her completely mad. She met him thrust for thrust, a perfect counterpoint. She came with another scream, flushing from head to toe. Draco followed a few thrusts after, riding her through her orgasm. 

She felt breathless and content as he pulled out of her and let go of her hair. He picked his wand up from the floor and conjured two damp flannels for them. Handing one to her, he quickly wiped his softening length with the other. Quickly he got dressed and left without saying another word. Hermione was leaning against the desk, unsure. Both his and her fluids were dripping down the inside of her thighs. She felt dirty, shameful.   

She went back to the wall where all of her clothes were discarded and quickly cleaned and got dressed. She could not believe what had just happened. 

* * *

 

The second time it happened they’d been sober. He’d found her 5 days later, sitting by herself in the library. He sat down, then slid a piece of parchment under her nose for her to read:

_\- I need it to happen again. I need to know I’m not remembering it right because I was intoxicated. I need it to be bad, or I need it bad. I guess I can’t decide._

_Please._

Hermione looked up at him, biting her lip. She wanted it again too, bad. It had been like nothing she’d ever experienced before. The sex had been explosive, hot, rough, fast, but oh so sweet. She had been thinking about it for the last five days, hoping her intoxicated mind had been playing tricks on her. And as much as she wanted to deny it she wanted to find out. Wincing to herself she picked up her quill and simply wrote:

_\- Okay_

* * *

 As she lay in bed after the third time, only a few days after the second, her mind wandered back to what her mother had told her. 'How do you unlearn a person?' she thought. 'How do you unlearn a living, breathing, bad habit? A bad habit that has consumed your bed and your lips… your hands, and all of your body. How do you move on from something you know is bad for you, when it feels so damned good?'


	2. Just say 'NO'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘It’s kind of funny' she thought that night as she sipped the brown liquor.
> 
> 'I intoxicate myself with sugar, alcohol, and sex when the only thing I am truly addicted to is the love you’re unable to give me’.

**February 10th, 1999**

They didn’t speak. They never spoke. After the third time, Hermione swore to herself that she would stop. She would stop sleeping with him. She really would. It had always been him who had instigated it, so all she had to do was say no. And she would. She would definitely say NO.

The first time they did it was a week prior. The last time yesterday. She’d had his dick inside of her 3 times in the last 8 days and she was already missing it. She’d nearly gotten used to the steady ache of nearly constant arousal. Yesterday before he came onto her, she had already masturbated twice with the memory of his mouth playing on repeat in her head. It hadn’t mattered. The orgasms she’d given herself were nothing compared to what she accomplished with him.

Her mind kept revisiting the memories of him inside of her. On her. His mouth hot and skilled. His fingers strong. His demeanor always in control. And he liked control - liked it best when he was holding all the chips to the game.

Hermione could not understand how she hadn’t seen it before; how extremely fit and handsome he was. Sure, his featured were a bit pointy. And sure, he almost always wore a scowl. But his face completely transformed when he was looking at her with lust in his eyes. He looked edible then.

He was also rather pale - but it only made him look more perfect. He looked like he was carved out of marble – his scares from the ‘Septum Sempra’ curse looking like the lines in the beautiful white stone.

Under his robes was a slick, seekers build that made her drool. He was all taut muscle. Skinny and tall, with just enough muscle not to be scrawny. His hands were large and his fingers elegant and long. She really, really liked those fingers.

She didn’t understand how all this had gone unnoticed until he started fucking her. Was she high on the hormones? Had he changed? She didn’t think he had - not physically at least. Maybe it was the fact that he didn’t speak unless in admiration or command. He was always perfectly polite to her. Not nice, not cruel, just polite and really quiet. He’d always been a bit of a rattle-mouth before, maybe that was it? 

* * *

 

She had not spoken to Ron since it had started, a week prior. He’d sent her a letter about flowers for the wedding three days ago, but she had yet to respond. She just didn’t know what to say.

Harry and he had gone straight into Auror training after the summer holidays. The summer had been spent trying to rebuild wizarding society as much as possible. McGonagall had recruited charms and transfiguration masters from all over the world to help with the massive job of getting the school ready for the new semester. Arriving back, Hermione had been surprised to see that not a single mark of the war was left on the school. They truly had done a marvelous job! The only room with permanent damage was the room of requirement. It had simply disappeared. Maybe one day, when the flames inside lay dormant, it would return - she did not know. Magic was peculiar some times. 

In addition, another common room with private rooms had been added on the 4th floor. All the 8th years who had decided to return to school lived there and not with their respective houses. It was nice to get a room to yourself instead of sharing a space with 3 other human beings. She couldn't say she missed her roommates and all their clutter much.

Ron had been angry with her about her decision to go back to school when she’d first mentioned it. Harry backing him up.

“They already call you the ‘Brightest-Witch-of-Your-Age’ Hermione, I don’t see why you think you need your NEWT’s to get into the program you want at the ministry,” they both complained.

“We’re war heroes, and you want to go back to school and be a regular student?” he’d say.

“Aren’t you going to miss me? It will not be the same without your boys there you know,” he’d try and convince her, but she’d been firm in her decision.

“Come back with me then,” she’d counter “then we can all be together”, only getting scoffs and ‘yeah right´s’ back.

She wasn’t quite sure why she was so firm on going back, she knew it would be different, but then again, everything was different on the other side of a war. She figured she’d have more time for her studies without the boys there to distract her. 

Hermione didn’t feel done with Hogwarts yet, she wanted a proper goodbye-year. She’d still have friends there. Neville, Luna, and Ginny were all going back too. Maybe she’d even make new acquaintances, who knew?

They’d tried convincing her to stay back again at Christmas. Ron had proposed to her during Christmas dinner at the Burrow in front of everyone. She’d been unable to say ‘no’ though she’d been unsure about her ‘yes’. She had once again told him she wanted to finish school and they’d decided they could plan the wedding via owl post, coordinating with Molly. It was set for July at the Burrow, ‘just like Bill and Fleurs’, as Ron would remind her at every opportunity. Hermione thought it was too early, Ron thought it was perfect. He wanted a family he told her.

“Don’t you agree, Hermione? I want you to have a family too, not just my family. I want us to make our own family. You know, since we weren’t able to reset your parents, and they’re still in Australia. Don’t just want to start over too?” he’d say, and she wanted to agree with him. It sounded nice to start over. She did want a family. But they didn’t have to marry for her to feel like she had one.

Things were just moving too fast. She was afraid that if she asked them to slow down, he’d leave her, and then she wouldn’t have anything anymore. It was a complex problem. Hermione did love him; she just wasn’t sure if she loved him as a friend or a lover. Where did the line between those two kinds of love end and begin? He didn’t give her butterflies, but he did make her feel secure. What was most important? Ending up choosing security she decided to settle. She figured it was better than any other alternative. 

Ron was sweet, and he did surprise her from time to time. Their sexual chemistry needed some work, sure, but it was still early for them. They could always explore she figured, plus he was a decent kisser. He didn’t have a lot of experience with sex at the age of 18 she told herself, most boys don’t, we’ll figure it out, together.

By the end of January, she’d started regretting her decision. That’s when she started to drink regularly. She just needed something to distract her a bit. And she didn’t do it too often. Only a couple of times a week, nothing to worry about. 

‘It’s kind of funny' she thought that night as she sipped the brown liquor. 'I intoxicate myself with sugar, alcohol, and sex when the only thing I am truly addicted to is the love you’re unable to give me’.

* * *

 

The next day she had a cruel hangover. She woke up in a bed that was not her own and sitting on the edge of it was Draco Malfoy.

She looked at him with shock on her face “wh-what happened?” she stuttered.

“Nothing yet, you were blackout drunk,” he answered with a drawl. “When did you make a habit of getting plastered on a regular basis?”

“If nothing happened, why am I here?” she asked, getting a bit angry at his aversive answer. 

“You didn’t answer my question,” he retorted rising an eyebrow at her. Hermione huffed.

“Well, that’s because you didn’t answer mine,” she muttered through gritted teeth. She brought her hand up to her pounding head, rubbing her temple. Looking up she saw him fishing for something in his nightstand, moments later he threw a small flask in her general direction.

“Hangover potion” he stated, simply, sitting down again.

She downed it in one go. It tasted foul, but her head cleared a bit.

“What am I doing here?” she tried again.

“I was looking for you, and when I found you, you were hammered,” he stated, once more quirking his eyebrow at her. "Didn't trust you getting to bed on your own, so I brought you here".

“I didn’t intend on it getting that far,” she whispered, ashamed of herself.

“When did you make a habit of getting plastered on a regular basis?” he repeated.

Hermione pulled on her lower lip with her teeth. They were talking. It felt unnatural and intrusive, and kind of nice, but most of all weird.

“I’ve just had a lot on my mind lately,” she said lamely. He started laughing.

“Yeah, sure, go with that, did your alcohol-induced therapy help by any chance?” he asked with laughter in his voice.

“Not really,” she responded, looking away.

For the first time since she’d woken up, she took to studying the room she was in. It was an 8th-year dorm room. Draco’s room was decorated with Slytherin-green. How predictable. His bedding was soft, probably the finest Egyptian cotton, his bed curtains dark and velvety. The bed itself was the same as the one in her room. A four-poster, slightly bigger than the ones from previous years, but his mattress seemed softer somehow. Had he charmed it? His bed frame was a darker shade of wood. He didn’t have any pictures in his room, which she found odd. Over the desk was a corkboard with several knick-knacks attached. His room was neat an...

“I was looking for you because I was horny,” his crass statement broke into her reverie.

“And sleeping next to you all night hasn’t helped with the problem,” he continued.

“Up for it?” he drawled, giving her a suggestive smirk.

Hermione stared at her fingernails. They needed a trimming.

“I-I-I,” she started, then swallowed and continued “we can’t keep doing this, I can’t keep doing this to Ron. I’m engaged to be married this summer you know. And I feel terrible already. We have to stop.” She swallowed again.

Malfoy was looking at her through narrowed eyes when she glanced up. “Of course, we can, we’ve already done it thrice,” he said.

“Don’t you think it’s a reason you dragged me into that classroom Granger? I think it’s because you don’t want to get married. No, you -" he said. "-You want to have fun, and you can’t have it with him.”

Hermione gaped at him, was that little ferret saying she was the one to instigate it? She wasn’t. He’d kissed her.

“That’s a bold argument considering this is the first time we’ve really talked in all of this,” she finally said.

Draco sniggered. “I don’t hear you denying it though.”

Hermione got flustered. She got up from the bed, stumbling a bit as the sudden movement made all the blood rush to her head.

“This conversation is over,” she said firmly. 

“If you'll excuse me, I am going to class, and I suggest you do the same" 

Walking to his door she added: 

"And by the way, stop stalking me! Leave me alone. I don’t want this to happen again.” She cast a disillusionment-charm on herself, rendering herself invisible and exited his room.

* * *

 

It was Sunday evening. Hermione’s least favorite day of the week. Sundays were always slow and seemed to last forever. One didn’t have school or work, and still, one had to go to bed early, to prepare for the week ahead. She woke up far too late and spent her day polishing of some homework assignments.

“You" - "you want to have fun, and you can’t have it with him.” 

His words had been ringing in her ears for two days straight, making concentrating on anything hard. She was out of booze and had nothing to occupy her mind. All she could do she’d already done. Her homework for the next week was finished. So was her half term project for potions and transfiguration. Hermione huffed in frustration. She was laying across her bed trying not to think of him, or how much she really wanted to go over there and ride his willy, silly.

‘You’re a dirty, dirty slut’ she told herself repeatedly. ‘Stop thinking about him and just go to bed already’. She closed her eyes and tried to empty her head. 30 minutes later she was still no closer to getting rid of him.

A soft knock interrupted her reverie. She almost ran to the door. If it was him, she was unsure whether to yell at him for seeking her out, or jumping his bones. She swung the door open, ready to climb his tall frame only to be met by the sight of her fiancée smiling with a bouquet of lily’s in on hand and a small suitcase in the other. She stared at him a moment too long before a small smile broke out on her face.

“Where you expecting someone else?” he asked unsurely. Shaking her head, she grabbed his hand and dragged him inside.

"I brought you Lily's, you said we should consider them for the ceremony," he said smiling, handing her the arrangement.

"Thanks," she muttered, conjuring a vase on her desktop, and placing the flowers in it. She filled the vase with water from her wand.

“What are you doing here?” she asked with her back turned to him, focusing on the flowers and the water. She tried sounding as cheery as possible.

“I had a break from the program. Lasting till Tuesday morning, so Harry and I decided to pop in on our girls.”.

“Thought it would be a nice surprise,” he added sheepishly. Hermione turned around and squeezed his hand in reassurance.

“Of course, it is, I was just surprised,” she said. “So, are you going to classes with me tomorrow then?” she added smiling, knowing the answer would be 'no'.

“Oh no, no, no, no” he smirked. “I thought I’d sleep till lunch, play some quidditch if McGonagall will allow us too, then spend the evening with you,” he added suggestively.

Leaning forward he placed a wet kiss on her lips.


	3. Trapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You fought in a war to gain your freedom,” he said cutting her off.
> 
> “And?”. What was he on about? Hermione was stunned by his statement. What the hell was he playing at?
> 
> “I just think it’s a shame that you’re using that freedom to trap yourself in a relationship with someone you don’t love,”

**Monday, February 14 th, 1999**

The next morning, she woke up feeling too hot. Ron was wrapped around her like a vine. His hands were circled around her waist in a death grip and one of his legs lay lazily across her legs. He was snoring softly. Every exhale heating her cheek uncomfortably, making her face flush. She tried to get out of his vice-like grip, but it was to no avail. She was trapped. 

“Ron,” she tried, softly. His grip did not falter.

“Ron,” she tried again, a little louder. Still no reaction. Giving up she elbowed him in the stomach earning a groan from him. His arms loosened around her.

“What was that for,” he huffed, sleepily. 

“You were crowding me,” she said, sitting up and swinging her legs out of bed. The floor was icy under her naked feet.

“Don’t get up yet,” he groaned, grabbing her wrist and pulling her back to him. Laying on top of her he started peppering her face with kisses. His morning breath stank, and she squirmed trying to get away. Ron took this as confirmation that he was turning her on and started sucking her neck. Hermione groaned in frustration.

“I’m not in the mood,” she muttered, truthfully for the first time in two weeks. She did not feel aroused in the slightest. Irritated yes, aroused, not likely. It made her mad. Why didn’t his presence turn her on? She should be jumping at the fact that she got to sleep next to her fiancé for the first time in months. 

“Well, you weren’t in the mood last night either,” he muttered disappointed, rolling off of her.

“I don’t get it,” he continued, “I haven’t seen you in forever, and when I’m finally here you’re not even happy to see me.”

Hermione stiffened, slowly she pushed up on one elbow, facing him in bed.

“I’m sorry,” she said, looking into his blue eyes.

“I’m just stressed out about school work, you know. And I have class this morning. If we get going, who knows how long we’ll be occupied,” she finished, trying to give him a flirtatious wink.

Ron seemed to eat her excuse up, smiling at her droopy-eyed. 

“So, it’s not because you don’t want to have sex?” he asked. She shook her head, technically not lying. The sex part was not the problem, more the person she was having it with.

He smiled again.

“Well, I guess we always have tonight,” he said, grinning. Ron rolled onto his back and closed his eyes, obviously going back to sleep. Hermione smiled weakly, once again getting out of bed. Her mind was buzzing with conflicting thoughts.  

Getting into her bathroom she called back to him:” Want to join me for breakfast?” The only answer she got was a groan and another snore from the bed.

* * *

 

The day seemed to pass by in no time while her dread grew in huge proportion. She just didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t tell him about what had happened with Malfoy, and she could not tell him how she really felt about the looming wedding. She was lost.

As she made her way from her last class to the great hall for dinner, she could see Harry and Ron already sitting at the Gryffindor table. She sank down in a seat next to Ginny across from the boys. Harry gave her a glorious smile.

“It’s so good to see you again Hermione, we never get to see you!” He said.

“I missed you too, so much,” she smiled back at him.

Conversation flowed easily between the friends for the next 30 minutes, everyone enjoying the food, and the company. Lifting her eyes from her plate to look across the hall she caught sight of Draco glaring at her. His face was set in a sour scowl, his jaw firmly set. She quickly looked away. The friends made their way together out of the great hall once the meal ended. They headed up the stairs, moving towards the 8thyear common room. She could feel Draco’s eyes on her neck the whole way.

* * *

 

Harry and Ginny broke off from them, heading towards the head suite Ginny had to herself. They obviously wanted some alone time. Ron grabbed her hand as they parted with their friends giving it a squeeze.

“I’m so glad I’m here with you Hermione,” he said looking down at her as they walked through the hallway.   

"I've just, I've missed you so much, you know".

“Me too” she answered, smiling at him. It was nice to have him here. Dinner had gone so well. She’d laughed and had fun with her friends. Things felt so natural when it was all of them together.

Nearing the portrait entrance to the 8thyear common room, she felt Draco sliding up to them, falling into step next to her.

“Nice of you to join the rest of us,” he said to Ron, sarcasm dripping from every word.  

“You sure the ministry will survive without its two biggest heroes for a few days?” Hermione gave him a sour look. Ron stiffened.

“What do you want, Malfoy?” he muttered through his teeth. His hand tightened on Hermione’s.

“Oh, I only wanted to say hello, hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Draco said, smirking. Hermione glared at him.

“Well you are,” Ron muttered.

“I am enjoying time with my fiancé and you are souring our mood”. He put extra pressure on the word 'fiancé'

“Well, I still wanted to say hello. You see, Hermione and I have become great friends since you left her here. Haven’t we Granger? Only nice to give you a hello while you’re here,” Draco quipped.

Ron looked down on her for the first time since Malfoy joined them.

“What is he talking about?” he asked her quietly. Hermione only looked back at him wide-eyed.

“We,” she started, then got cut off by Malfoy.

“We have a few class projects together this term,” he said.

“It's nice getting to work with a girl with some brains for once. I must say I’m glad the war is over. I wouldn’t have been able to get to know her otherwise.”

Ron stared at her.

“Anyway, must be going, nice to see you 'weasel',” Malfoy said smirking, and with that, he rushed past them and into the common room.

Hermione felt dizzy. What the hell was he playing at? Ron looked sour. The only class she shared with Malfoy this year was 'Advanced Potions' and 'Charms'. If you asked anyone in those classes whether they had ever partnered up, the answer would be an affirmative 'NO'. She really hoped Ron wouldn't press the issue, or worse, ask around. 

“Let’s go to your room,” he said, looking back at her. “Don’t want any more interruptions, do we?”

 Hermione swallowed and nodded. He led her up the stairs leading to the dorms. Opening her door, he entered before her. When she closed the door behind her and turned around, he was right there in her face. Ron grasped her and pressed her against the closed door. He started peppering her with kisses.

“Never thought we’d be alone,” he muttered against her jaw. Clearly, Draco’s taunts hadn’t upset him as much as they had her. Hermione kissed him back in earnest. She tried to clear her head of anything related to Malfoy, focusing on what was happening, but she couldn’t. He was trapped in her mind like a prisoner, crowding her. 

Pushing Ron backward till he hit the bed, she decided to take actions into her own hand. Fuck Draco for ruining this. She was going to have a dammed good time with Ron, thank you very much. She got on her knees in front of Ron and started on his belt. Ron was staring at her, starry-eyed.

Once she got his pants and belt open, she pulled his hard cock out. He leaned back on his elbows as she started to lick him up and down, swirling her tongue around the tip. She could taste the precum leaking from his slit. She put him in her mouth and started to bob her head, sucking her cheeks in and swirling her tongue. Ron was grunting above her, lost in pleasure.

“Man, that feels amazing, Mione,” he muttered between grunts.

It did not take long before his load was shooting down her throat. Hermione straightened, putting him back inside his underwear gently.  She wiped her mouth on her shirt sleeve. Ron slumped down on the bed, closing his eyes in content.

“Man, I missed you,” he said happily. Getting to her feet she sent him a soft smile. She went into the bathroom to brush her teeth, ridding her mouth of the taste of his spunk. When she got back out Ron had fallen asleep. ‘So much for stamina’ she thought to herself. Finding a fiction book she settled herself in the armchair, listening to his soft snores. 

* * *

 

A few hours later he rose. Looking around, his eyes landed on her sitting in the only chair in the little room, her feet were tucked under her. She seemed to be deeply invested in what she was reading. Ron got to his feet and walked towards her. Her eyes snapped up smiling at him.

“Sorry I fell asleep,” he said. She just shook her head. 

“No worries,” she said smiling.

He leaned down and kissed her softly. Hermione only kissed him half-heartedly back. He let go of her lips and grabbed the book from her hands, closing it and placing it on the desk. She found herself getting irritated that she had lost her place in it but didn’t say anything. Ron grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet dragging her towards the bed.

He tossed her onto it and climbed on top of her, pinning her against the sheets. He started on her buttons, opening her shirt and pressed soft kisses to the top of her breasts.

“You didn’t get to have your fun,” he said smiling against her chest bone.

“I’m going to make it so good for you,” he continued, dragging the cups of her cotton bra down, flicking her nipple with his tongue and squeezing the other between his thumb and forefinger. Hermione squeaked weakly. She hadn’t really minded not getting off. She put her hands on his shoulders, pushing. He looked up at her questioning.

“We don’t have to if you’re tired,” she said. Giving him a small smile.  
  
“It’s fine, really,” she continued. Ron just stared.

“Don’t worry bout me,” he said, “I’m more than up for it”. He pressed his hips down on her, and she could feel that he had grown hard again. He continued on her shirt, pressing kisses to her bare stomach. He sat up between her legs and pulled his sweater over his head. Hermione sat up too. She got rid of her shirt and bra in a swift movement. Ron leaned down and gave her a peck. Getting up from the bed, he undressed his pants and underwear. He knocked off both shoes but left his socks on. Taking the hint, she also finished getting undressed. Sitting naked on the bed she felt a knot forming in her stomach. She wasn't exited yet she didn't have the courage to tell him. 

She glanced up at him, and he was stroking himself looking at her. Ron climbed back onto the bed. They kissed, and he presided to lay on top of her. She spread her legs for him, hoping for some foreplay at least. He settled himself between her thighs and brought a hand down to rub at her clit. It only lasted a moment before he removed it again. She was barely wet at all, but he didn’t comment on it. He positioned himself at her entrance and pushed in.

It was uncomfortable. Her lack of fluids made it hard for her to adjust to him. She squeaked a bit in pain and Ron latched onto her neck, sucking marks into her skin as he pumped into her. He grunted heavily. It was over within minutes, and she was glad. Sliding out of her he looked up at her.

“Did that feel good, baby?” he asked, kissing her jaw. Hermione nodded, giving him a small smile and rolled on to her side pretending to fall asleep. Within a short while, she heard his breathing even out. He was fast asleep. She got up and went to the bathroom. Cleaning his fluids from herself, scrubbing at her skin and feeling terrible. 

This was a disaster.

* * *

 

The next morning when she woke up, he was already gone. On her desk, she found a note from him.

‘ _I loved spending some time with you, Mione. Had to head back to training and you looked too sweet sleeping, so I didn’t want to wake you. I love you. See you soon!_ ’

 

Before heading to breakfast she penned him a small note that she sent with one of the school owls. It only said: ‘ _I love you too_.’

* * *

 

 

**Friday, February 18 th,1999**

That Friday after dinner as she was walking back to her dorm after dinner, a hand shot out from a doorway, yanking her inside. It was a broom closet, and the hand belonged to Draco Malfoy. He’d been completely ignoring her since Ron’s visit. Not even looking at her once. She didn’t care really, it had just surprised her after the show he’d put on in front of her fiancé.

“What are you doing,” she squeaked

“You fought in a war to gain your freedom,” he said cutting her off.

“And?”. What was he on about? Hermione was stunned by his statement. What the hell was he playing at?

“I just think it’s a shame that you’re using that freedom to trap yourself in a relationship with someone you don’t love,” he continued.

“You don’t know whether or not I love him, Malfoy,” Hermione bristled, angry at his assumption.

“It’s transparent that you don’t. You care about him sure. But love him? Nah, I don’t see it,” he said. He was so confident in everything he did. He didn’t waver one bit as she stared him down. He simply stared back, a smirk pulling his lips up on one side.

“See, I’m right am I not?” he taunted.

“Did I ask your opinion on my personal life?” she asked, giving him her most sour look. He only smirked more widely at her.

“Well as someone who fought against you, I just don’t want you to squander your freedom,” he stated, eyes still boring into hers. Hermione looked away.

“What was it all for then if you’re not gonna use it to be happy?” he asked her softly, trying to catch her eye.

“This is a game to you. You’re just messing with me,” she answered, her voice came out sounding small.

“Quite the opposite. This game has no name darling, I’m just expressing my opinion,” he whispered. He stepped forward, still staring down at her. She met his eyes, staring back. Eyes thin, searching, calculating.

“Admit it, you don’t love him,” he whispered softly against her ear, almost brushing it with his lips.

“I,” she said. “I-I”. Then she’s kissing him. Pressing him backward till his body hit the shelf behind him, knocking several cleaning potions to the ground. They shattered, and angry fumes started to fill the small room.

They both stumbled out coughing madly. He grabbed her hand before she could make a run for it. In a menacing tone, he muttered: 

“This is not over. Come to my room at 11 tonight”. Then he stalked down the hall, leaving her alone in front of the stinking broom cupboard.  

She was left feeling conflicted, ashamed, and aroused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm looking to beta for someone else, and I'm looking for a beta for my work. Anyone interested, send me a message or comment!


	4. Living

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s like you’ve shrunk since the war ended. You used to be this big bonfire, and now, you’re just a match.”
> 
> She looked up at him, not understanding where all of this was coming from. Why was he sugaring her up? What did he have to gain from doing that? She just didn’t understand him at all.
> 
> “Why are you acting so different towards me?” She queried.
> 
> “Because,” he uttered.
> 
> “Why?” Hermione pressed.
> 
> “Because, I finally can,” he whispered.

**Friday, February 18 th,1999**

As the clock struck 11, Hermione was still undecided. She had been pacing the length of the room for hours. Should she go? What did he want? What did she want?

She sat down on the bed and put her head in her hands. As she closed her eyes and took a shaky breath, she heard her door swing open and someone entered her room. Slowly, she looked up into stormy eyes.

“You didn’t show,” Draco stated simply.

“I wasn’t sure I should,” she answered.

His eyes stayed locked on hers and he closed the door behind him. He took a seat next to her on the bed. One of his legs was bent under him so his body was turned towards her.

“Why didn’t you show?” He asked.

Hermione hesitated. All the arguments that had been running through her head only moments before disappeared as she looked into his stormy orbs. She took a shaky breath and broke eye contact, looking down at her hands in her lap. 

“I still think this is a bad idea,” she murmured. “I mean, I’m getting married, it’s definitely a bad idea.”

Draco rolled his eyes. “Marriage, sure… You know forever’s a long time when it doesn’t feel right, don’t you Granger?” he replied after a little while.

“Being married to him will be like a long sleepless night, it will exhaust you, keeping up pretenses. After a while he will grow to resent you and your brilliance; do you think you can live with that? With him hating you?”

“He’s never going to hate me,” she interjected.

“He will hold you back, and you will let him, so you don’t hurt his feelings. Is that the future you envision for yourself?”

Hermione swallowed audibly.

“When did you become this docile?” Draco asked suddenly.  “You used to be able to fight, where is that fire?” 

“I don’t know,” was the only answer she could give. 

He shook his head, seeming upset.

“It’s like you’ve shrunk since the war ended. You used to be this big bonfire, and now, you’re just a match.”

She looked up at him, not understanding where all of this was coming from. Why was he sugaring her up? What did he have to gain from doing that? She just didn’t understand him at all.

“Why are you acting so different towards me?” She queried.

“Because,” he uttered.

“Why?” Hermione pressed.

“Because, I finally can,” he whispered, and then he kissed her.

His lips pressed into hers, finding a slow rhythm. It was like they’d been running every other time they’d kissed. This kiss was simply a stroll, slow and enjoyable. Taking your time to map out the landscape in front of you. Hermione wrapped her arms around his neck and angled her body more towards his.

Draco’s hands slid to her hips, spreading wide across the fabric of her silky nightgown. He began tugging the fabric upwards till her underwear-clad bottom was sitting on the sheets, dress pooled around her waist.

His hands began caressing her naked thighs, moving in slow circles. Their kiss did not speed up, it stayed slow and deep.

Hermione’s hands moved to his collar. He was not wearing his tie, and she had free access to his buttons. Slowly, she unfastened them one by one. When his shirt was fully open, she began exploring his chest and abdomen with her fingers. His skin was soft and hard, his chest wasn’t covered in hair.

They broke apart for a moment and her large brown eyes met his grey ones.

“What are we doing?” She tried to ask again, but he cut her off with another slow kiss. 

Breaking apart again, he looked at her and then answered her question.

“Living,” Draco stated as though it was obvious.

Slowly, he led her to lay on her back on the bed. He climbed on top of her, one of his legs between hers, resting his body weight on his forearms. They continued to kiss.

Hermione pushed his shirt off of his shoulders and threw it on the floor. Her hand began roaming his back, trying to memorize all the angles of his body. Everything that usually happened in a rush was now repeating at a snail’s pace.

Draco took his sweet time, kissing down her neck and chest. One of his hands began caressing her thighs again, working its way upwards towards her center. When he reached her and felt the state of her panties, he let out a deep groan.

“Merlin, you’re so wet,” he whispered against the top of her breast.

His fingers roamed over the fabric in slow circles, caressing and kneading. At the same time, his fingers found their way inside her panties. His mouth closed around one of her nipples; it was hard and straining against the silk. She made a small mewling sound.

Hermione’s fingernails started dragging across his shoulder blades.

Suddenly, Draco stood up. He rid himself of his trousers, shoes, and socks, leaving only his underpants on.

On his way back to his previous position, he trailed tender kisses all the way from her ankle to her upper thigh. He passed her center and kissed her hipbone, bringing her gown with him as he worked his way up her body. 

When he finally dragged the garment over her head, he gave her a lazy smile. His fingers caressed the naked skin of her stomach.

They were both wearing just their underwear now. Draco lounged next to Hermione, his hands reaching for her, and he helped her climb on top of him. Her thighs straddled his hips and she pressed her center down on the tent in his boxers. He gave a deep groan.

She leaned forward and began licking his chest, circling his small nipples with her tongue and teasing him with the pressure of her center rubbing over his erection. 

His hands rested on her thighs and moved to her butt, giving it a firm squeeze.

Done with the teasing, she rolled off of him and they both rid themselves of their underwear.

Hermione climbed back on top of him. Draco positioned his cock at her opening, and she slowly sank down on him. She’d never been on top of him before, and it felt deeper this way. He was stretching her deliciously. She began moving slowly and his hand moved to her clit, circling lazily. As she began to ride him faster, his fingers kept pace. Their orgasms ran through them at the same time and she slumped down, resting her cheek against his racing heart. They were both breathing heavily. 

When they finally calmed down, his hand started stroking up and down her back.

Hermione felt content; she smiled and gave his chest a soft kiss. Wandlessly, she extinguished all the light in her small bedroom. Out of the blue a question formed in her mouth.

“What do you believe happens when we die, Draco?” She whispered in the dark. “Do you believe in heaven, life after we’re dead?”

“I mostly believe in a life before we die,” he answered.

His hands pulled her tighter against his chest, and they fell asleep.

* * *

 

Their routine continued for the next couple of weeks; every other night they’d each sneak into the other’s room after curfew, sharing touches in the night. They both always separated before morning light hit, sneaking back while the night could still hide what had happened between them.

When the mid of March rolled around the corner, with a Hogsmeade weekend attached, Hermione prepared herself for an upcoming date with Ron.

He and Harry had gotten that Saturday, the 12thof March off from work to catch up with their friends in Hogsmeade. Hermione was at a loss for what she would do. Draco had given his opinion on the matter several times over the last week. She was in a foul mood. As she strolled out of her DADA class that Friday, he leaned against a wall, waiting for her.

“A word about the potions paper, Granger,” he called to her, loud enough for Neville and Ginny who were flanking her to hear.

Hermione turned to them and gave them a small smile.

“You guys just go ahead, okay? I’ll be right along.”

They both nodded and followed the rest of the class, leaving the secret lovers alone in the hall.

“What do you want, Malfoy?” she asked sourly, keeping her distance and leaning against the wall opposite him. He moved towards her until he was standing right in front of her.

“I have an idea, and I think it’s going to help with that mood of yours…” He smirked at her.

Hermione growled.

“I am not in a mood,” she bit out.

“Trust me, this is going to cheer you up! We are going to go outside, to this spot right behind the greenhouses, and then—” and he took a deliberate breath.

“--Then you’re gonna kick my ass. You’re gonna knock the living crap out of me, just really beat the shit out of me.”

His smile was growing bigger, and Hermione could not help but chuckle at him. He was being ridiculous, and really cute.

“There she is,” Draco cooed. “I knew you were still in there, somewhere, Granger.”

He leaned down, placed a tender kiss on her cheek, and then he was off.

Hermione stood, staring after him as he sauntered down the hall. He turned his head and caught her eye as he rounded the corner, giving her a wink. The stupid grin she was wearing stayed on her face all the way back to her dorm room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank's to my beta PotionChemist for giving me much needed help with this chapter!


	5. Stuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But now it's hard to breathe  
> I'm not in love, it's just a game we do  
> I tell myself I'm not that into you  
> But I don't wanna sleep, it's quarter after three
> 
> And now it's hard to breathe  
> I'm not in love, it's just a thing we make  
> We're skin on skin, I need this spell to break  
> But I don't wanna go and I know that you know
> 
> \- Ina Wroldsen (Breathe)

**Saturday, March 12th, 1999**

As she and Ginny trudged down the trail towards Hogsmeade, Hermione’s mind turned to thoughts of Draco. She couldn’t focus on her conversation with Ginny or her upcoming visit with Ron.

Draco was her discretional sin. She was hooked. She felt that a switch in their strange relationship was nearing. Like she was on the edge of ... something.

He was on her mind like a song that she could not escape. The previous night, she had refused to see him. Going on a date with Ron while he still lingered on her skin was more than she could bear. She was not in love with Draco - it was just a thing they made. What was happening to her?

“You are awfully quiet today,” Ginny murmured from beside her, snapping her out of her inner turmoil.

“Just thinking.”, she dragged in a puff of cold air. “Are you excited to see Harry?” she asked.

“Of course, I miss him every single day,” Ginny answered.

“You don’t seem too excited for today though,” she added, as an afterthought.

Hermione shook her head.

“I’m excited, just been busy, you know,” she said.

Ginny looked at her speculatively.

“How are the wedding preparations going?” She asked. “I haven’t heard much from Mum about it lately.”

“We’re pretty much done. Your mom has called most of the shots to be honest. Funny she hasn’t said much to you about it. I receive at least three letters a week about this or that. Not that it bothers me, mind you.”

Ginny gave her a timid smile. “You haven’t been yourself lately, Hermione. Are you sure there isn’t anything you want to talk about?”

Hermione just shook her head.

When they reached the village, the boys were already waiting for them. Ginny ran into Harry’s arms and he spun her in a circle, kissing her softly. When he put her down, he leaned down and whispered something in her ear that made her giggle.

Ron was more casual in his approach. He put his arms around Hermione and gave her a tight hug, kissing the top of her head. Nuzzling into her hair and inhaling deeply he whispered into her, “I’ve missed you so much, Mione, more than you know.”

She hugged him tighter instead of giving him a response.

They walked around for a bit, looking at knickknacks in Zonko’s and buying new quills in the book shop. Ron held her hand the entire time. When lunch rolled around, they went to The Three Broomsticks. The boys enjoyed some firewhiskey with the shepherd's pie they all ordered, while Hermione and Ginny sipped butterbeer.

After the meal and conversation, they went to Honeydukes. Shuffling around in the sweet shop and trying to locate her favorite sweets, Hermione’s eyes landed on the blonde head of her secret lover. For the first time all year, she noticed that he was alone. When she thought about it, most of his friends hadn’t come back to school. Pansy, Blaise, and Goyle had all declined the offer to come back, and Crabbe had died during the battle. 

The only other person she’d noticed him hanging around with was Theo Nott, a handsome brown-haired Slytherin in their year. She’d never really spoken to Theo; he seemed shy and reserved compared to the rest of his classmates. Looking around the shop, to see if Malfoy perhaps was there with him, she could not spot the other Slytherin.

She glanced back at Draco, finding his eyes focused on hers, questioning. He began walking towards where she stood but stopped abruptly when he noticed Ron behind her.

Ron too had caught sight of Draco alone.

“Didn’t have any friends to drag with you while shopping, Malfoy?” he leered.

“We split up after lunch,” Malfoy drawled back, sounding bored.

“Funny, I noticed you eating alone in the Three Broomsticks too, did they turn invisible?” Ron continued, debunking Malfoy’s statement and sounding very pleased with himself.

Hemione looked up at her fiancé. Why was he goading him? She could see Malfoy swallowing and getting ready to respond.

Stuttering a bit, Draco responded, while glancing at her.“D-d-date not interesting enough for you, Weasley? I mean, if you had time to keep tabs on me too,” he snarled.

The stutter at the beginning made it sound less confident than he’d probably intended.

“I know if I went on a date with a girl like Granger, that I hadn’t seen in a long while, I’d give her all my attention,” Draco continued, dragging the ‘O’ in long out.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Ron barked back. “Lost all your friends?”

Draco sighed and then seethed menacingly, “I don’t owe you anything.”

He put down the items in his hand on a random shelf and stomped out. As he passed them, he leaned into her and stated softly, “I’ll see you soon, Hermione.”

Ron looked at him as he exited the shop, and then he turned towards her.

“Why are you friends with him?” he asked her.

Hermione swallowed, not sure what to say. She knew Ron had a right to ask that question. She and Draco were friends of sorts - they laughed and had fun together, both in and out of the sheets. She liked him a lot, more than she’d thought she would.

“Most of his friends already left school, and McGonagall encouraged everyone to get along,” she stated, slowly.

“I’m just giving him a chance to be better,” she added after a second.

Ron grumbled. “Well, I don’t like it,” he sputtered, turning back to the sweets. Hermione had lost her craving for sweets.

Distancing herself from him, she caught sight of the small pile Draco had left behind. He seemed to favor fruit flavors over chocolate. He’d picked out a variety of sugar quills, some pumpkin pasties, and a bar of white chocolate - flavored with strawberry cheesecake.

Looking around a bit and seeing her friends occupied, she bent down and picked up his stash. Adding it to her own choices, she headed to the register and paid for everything. Once the bag was in her hand, she made her way back to Ron.

“You paid already?” He inquired, eyeing her bag.

“Yup, you ready?” She smiled.

“But I wanted to pay for it,” he retorted, looking displeased.

“Nonsense, you paid for my lunch,” she laughed, smiling up at him.

He leaned down and gave her a sweet peck on her lips. “Okay,” he said, then headed to the register where Harry and Ginny were paying for their load of sweets.

As they left the shop, Hermione caught herself thinking that being Draco Malfoy might be exceptionally lonely. After the war, she’d noticed more than once that people gave him a wide berth in the halls. He usually sat alone in class and was often missing during meals. People seemed suspicious of him. She guessed there was no escaping the past, but found it somewhat sad anyways.

The Wizengamot had given both Draco and Narcissa a full pardon during the hearings the previous summer. This was because Draco chose not to identify them when they were brought to the manor and Narcissa’s lie to the Dark Lord. It was also because they had not participated during the final battle. Neither of them had hurt anyone else, just protected themselves. Based on statements from the prisoners that had been held at Malfoy Manor, it also seemed that both Draco and his mother had gone out of their way to be kind. They had brought meals during the night. They had smuggled down games to keep them occupied. They’d cast warming charms over the cellar when nights were cold and regularly gave them supplies to wash up in addition to medical supplies.

The full pardon did not seem to matter to the students at Hogwarts, though. Many had lost family and friends in the war and forgiveness was not on the menu. McGonagall had been firm in her welcoming speech that any form of bullying, from either side of the war, would be heavily punished. It seemed that most people had listened to it. However, most students were still not willing to interact with those who had been on Voldemort’s side, whether it had been their choice or not.

Hermione decided to go to Draco’s room that night if only to provide him with some company.

 

* * *

 

When she entered his room that evening, she found him dozing on top of the covers clad only in his boxers. He looked edible. She undressed fully, and then she positioned herself next to him on the bed. She started trailing soft kisses along his neck and jaw. He moaned.

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep before you got here,” Draco murmured sleepily.

“Oh, it’s fine. A very welcome view greeted me when I entered. I’m not complaining,” Hermione replied.

Draco groaned and turned to lay on his side, facing her. His hand trailed up the curve of her body, from her hipbone to her rib, softly caressing her curves.

“You got undressed without me,” he grumbled. “I wanted to peel you out of your clothes.”

“Well, I could always put them back on,” she retorted.

He growled and rolled on top of her, pinning her down.

“Oh, no you don’t,” he said through a smirk, nipping her earlobe.

His hand traveled down her body and began palming her clit. Hermione moaned.

After a few strokes, he kneeled on the bed and looked down on her.

“I want us to try something,” he mused. Her only response was the nodding of her head.

“Get on all fours, lean down on your elbows,” he continued. He got one of his pillows and positioned it under her elbows as she got into the position. Quickly, he moved behind her and looked down on her glorious arse. His fingers ran all the way from her neck to her tailbone, following the perfect curve of her spine. Hermione shivered.

With his other hand, he pushed two fingers into her, pumping them lazily.

“Do you want me?” He leered.

Her answer was muffled by the pillow as she pressed her face into it.

Turing her head to look at him while he played with her cunt, she groaned.

“Please, Draco, please,” she begged.

“What, angel?” He countered, continuing the slow torture his hand was administering.

“I need you, please, Draco,” she sighed.

“Your wish is my command,” he laughed back while positioning himself at her entrance. He slammed into her hard, making her almost lose her hold. She pressed her limbs down, trying hard to stay in the position. It was deep this way.Draco was breathing hard behind her. His hands circled her cheeks,squeezing them almost painfully hard.

“I just watched my cock disappear into your burning heat,” he grunted. He picked up his pace, slamming her forward, while she struggled to keep her ground.

“Do you have any idea what that does to me?” He asked between grunts.

She moaned.

“I’m beginning to grasp, ah, the concept,” she huffed back, choking on her own moans.

They did not last long. She spiraled out of control, muscles clamping down on him as he fucked her into the mattress. He came shortly after, panting her name over and over.

“I love you, Hermione,” he stated in the darkness. It was said so quietly she wasn’t sure if he really had said it to her or to himself.

“You don’t want to be in love with me,” she responded numbly.

Where was this coming from? He’d never said anything in the past couple of months that indicated that he was in love with her.

Draco got up on one elbow and stared at her angrily. “No. You don’t get to tell me how I feel,” he almost screamed at her, voice pained.

Hermione just stared into his grey eyes, not sure how to persuade him that loving her was a terrible idea.

He continued, “You can’t invade my feelings. You don’t get to do that.” He ran his free hand through his mussed-up hair.

Hermione shivered, the chilly air of his room sinking into her bones. Slowly she sat up, her back turned to him.

“I think I should go,” she whispered. Leaning down she began picking up her things.

He got up, too.

“You don’t just get to walk out on me after I said that,” he grumbled. “You know what your problem is, Hermione? You’ll never feel love because you’re not open to it. And you will only open yourself up to love if you feel like you deserve it, which is really ironic because I’m the one who feels like I don’t deserve to love you.”

They were staring at each other from either side of the bed. The silence palpable between them. Their gazes were raw, honest and completely exposed. Finally, Draco broke the silence.

“I guess I was a fool for thinking this could be more than it ever was,” he noted, breaking eye contact. Hermione continued to stare at him, gaze heavy. She felt as though her heart was breaking.

“I don’t want this to end,” she sniffled. He didn’t respond and the silence grew between them once more.

He continued to look anywhere but at her.

“Maybe I feel something for you too,” she tried again. Her voice quiet, nervous. He looked up at her.

“What do you feel?” He inquired his voice sounding hopeful.

“I don’t know yet, but it’s a warm feeling.”

They both got back into bed. He gathered her in his arms and lay down. Her head was resting on his chest and her arm was draped over his stomach. One of his hands was tangled in her curls, softly massaging her scalp.

“Why haven’t you told him yet?” He whispered in the dark. He grabbed the wand from his bedside table with his free hand and made the bedding come up and rest around them. 

“Tell him what?” She asked though she knew what he wanted to hear.

“Tell him that you don’t love him anymore,” he stated.

“I’m not sure it’s the truth, and I haven’t got the words to explain myself,” she said sadly.

“I’m over just sneaking around,” he snapped.

“Why? It’s fun,” she replied, trying to bring some humor into the serious conversation they were having. She felt as though their relationship had shifted so much in one evening.

“Are you only into this if it’s a secret?” Draco questioned.

He looked down on her, giving her a sad smile, lip quirking up on one side. She leaned up and gave him a soft peck on the lips.

“No,” she answered truthfully, still looking into his silver orbs.

He hugged her closer, his hand untangled from her curls and came to rest around her back, keeping her body close to his. With his other hand, he entangled their fingers. Hermione sighed. As his breathing got heavier, she snuggled even closer.

That night, she fell asleep in Draco’s room for the first time. He held her the entire night, and when he woke up the next morning with her still in his bed, he was elated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sending lots of love to my beta PotionChemist!  
> Reviews are much appreciated!


	6. Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I know I’ve been horrible to you for years, and I’m sorry for that too. I just… I don’t know. I knew they would never let me be with someone like you. And when I teased or belittled you, you gave me attention. You saw me,” he continued his story.
> 
> “It’s not an excuse,” he reassured her. “I’m so sorry. I just, I want you to forgive me, or rather, I want… I want to deserve your forgiveness.” 
> 
> “I do forgive you. It’s in the past,” Hermione replied almost instantly.
> 
> She was slightly startled by her own statement. Was that true?
> 
> She supposed it was. She gave him a timid smile.
> 
> “I feel like we’ve become, friends, I guess."

**Sunday, March 13th, 1999**

When Hermione and Draco woke up the next morning, they were clinging to each other. She kissed his chest and they slowly untangled their limbs. Draco turned towards her in bed, and his eyes were smiling.

After yesterday’s revelations, Hermione felt she needed to ask one more question. “Why did you kiss me that night?”

“Because I couldn’t not kiss you,” he yawned and rolled his eyes, as though it was obvious.

“I still don’t understand,” she replied, frustrated. He was being so coy.

“I had wanted to for so long, and then you were there, and I was touching you, and I just had to kiss you. It didn’t matter that I was drunk or that you were. I just had to have you.”

Hermione studied him, and he seemed to be telling the truth. 

“Were you lonely? Is that it?” She tried.

“No, not lonely per se. I think loneliness is like hunger; you can’t really feel how hungry you’ve been until you start eating.  I wasn’t starved for company. I just wanted you,” he answered, and it sounded truthful.

“So-oo, you’d thought about it before?” She continued pressing.

“Yeah,” he replied.

Feeling bold, she asked him what she’d wanted to ask since they started the conversation.

“How long have you felt what you feel for me?”

“A while,” he said.

Merlin! Asking Draco Malfoy to explain himself was like asking grass to grow in winter. Pushing herself up from the bed, she straddled his hips.

She asked him again. “How long?” 

She was ready to minister a tickling attack if he did not answer her or evaded. But surprisingly he did neither.

“Oh, I don’t know, Hermione! I think I started fancying you back in fourth year… just a bit, so don’t flatter yourself.”

“Tell me how it started,” she pushed. She put her palms flat on his chest, holding herself up while looking down into his stormy gaze.

“I was so jealous of Krum when you showed up at the Yule Ball looking like a fucking goddess. After that, I started watching you. Sometimes I’d follow you around. You starred in quite a few wank fantasies,” he leered.

Hermione shook her head in disbelief.

“It was not till fifth year I started dreaming about you and really fancy you. I knew my parents would never approve, and you hated me, so...”

“So?” She urged him to continue.

She didn’t really believe what he was saying. How could he have had a secret crush on her? He’d always been so mean to her.

I knew I liked you, but it-it shocked me. I tried to distance myself further. I was busy with my task and trying to protect my mother.”

Draco closed his eyes and swallowed. 

“I still thought about you a lot. When seventh year rolled around and you were gone, I was terrified for you. I thought about you every night. Worried myself sick. When the Death Eaters went to raid your house, I went along on the mission. It was during Christmas, I don’t know what I would have done, but I..” he trailed off, then continued.

“Then, at Easter, suddenly you were brought to the Manor, and I…” he faltered, and his voice came out shakily. “I-I knew if I identified him that you would die. You all would, and I couldn’t do it. That it might have saved my family didn’t matter, I just, I couldn’t!”

Draco looked at her, pleading with his eyes, wanting her to understand. Hermione clasped his hand. She understood how hard it probably was for him to admit this to her. She nodded for him to continue. He placed the hand not grasped in hers on her thigh and started making small circles with his fingers. His gaze broke away from hers.

“Then Bellatrix,” he swallowed. 

“I know,” Hermione said, trying to reassure him. She never wanted to talk about that night again. A shudder ran through her.

“No, no, you don’t know!” His voice was firm. “You can’t understand how much it hurt to see you there on the floor. I felt completely useless, unable to help you. I wanted to save you, and I’m so, so sorry.” 

Tears were forming in Draco’s eyes, making them shine brighter. Hermione gave him a sad smile. He closed his eyes, shaking his head - not letting the unshed tears fall. Her free hand cradled his face, stroking his cheek.

“But you did help us, Draco. Because of your courage, we weren’t identified. We got away. You did what you could,” she tried to reassure him

“It still wasn’t enough,” he sulked. Letting go of her thigh and turning the hand on his face he gestured to her scar. “Look at I let her do to you!”

She didn’t look at it. She just grasped that hand, too.

“I know I’ve been horrible to you for years, and I’m sorry for that too. I just… I don’t know. I knew they would never let me be with someone like you. And when I teased or belittled you, you gave me attention. You saw me,” he continued his story.

“It’s not an excuse,” he reassured her. “I’m so sorry. I just, I want you to forgive me, or rather, I want… I want to deserve your forgiveness.” 

“I do forgive you. It’s in the past,” Hermione replied almost instantly.

She was slightly startled by her own statement. Was that true?

She supposed it was. She gave him a timid smile.

“I feel like we’ve become, friends, I guess. I like being with you, but I still don’t understand what’s changed for you. Why now?” 

“I don’t care what my father thinks anymore. I noticed you sneaking off quite often and coming back drunk way after curfew. I just wanted to see where you were going. I brought my own bottle more as a disguise than anything else. Once I knew where you were, I settled myself in an alcove I knew you would pass on your way back. Then I drank and I waited. When I heard you coming my way, I moved into the hallway. And then you tripped over me, and I helped you up, and I just… I had to kiss you, I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t not do it.” 

Draco repeated the words that started them down this rabbit hole. Her heart broke a bit at his confession. She really didn’t know how to feel about it, about any of it.

“I meant it when I said I loved you,” he whispered. “I don’t need you to say it back, I know it’s far too early for you to feel that. I just, I need you to know.”

Suddenly he let go of her hands and pushed himself up into a sitting position. They were nose to nose, her in his lap, straddling his hips. Hermione could feel him growing under her. He was so close, and his words ghosted against her skin.

“I love you,” he repeated against her lips.

Draco kissed the corner of her mouth and then pulled back, leaving only a small space between their lips. She wanted to lean in and kiss him, but he continued talking.

“I find you to be the most intelligent, interesting, strong, beautiful, funny, fascinating, helpful, kind, and brave woman I’ve ever met. Your perspective on things is so refreshing. You are just so very special. I’ve never met anyone like you. I mean, you annoy me just as much as you dazzle me, but I don’t really care,” he babbled.

Hermione couldn’t believe these words were coming out of his mouth. She was awestruck. Who was this man? Who was hiding behind the mask she knew as Draco Malfoy? She couldn’t say anything; she felt dizzy.

Leaning in, she planted a kiss firmly on his lips. He groaned and his hands wrapped around her waist, holding her close.

They were both naked from the night before, and she could feel him firmly against her. Her cunt was dripping with arousal and she was sure he could feel it.

Lifting up slightly, Hermione reached down and positioned him at her entrance. She impaled herself on his stiff dick, and they both gasped. Her head tipped back in pleasure, and she wrapped her arm around his shoulders to hold herself upright... Her other hand landed on his chest, softly stroking his blazing skin. He was both sculpted and soft under her fingers.

She rolled her hips and he gripped her arse. Draco was thrusting up under her, a perfect counterpoint to her rolling hips. They were moving slow, savoring every movement.

“God… you f-feel so g-good,” she stuttered, breathlessly.

“Mhmm,” he hissed back.

His mouth was around one of her nipples, softly tugging it and lavishing it with his tongue. Draco raised his head and Hermione could feel him staring.

“Hermione, look at me,” he demanded.

She opened her eyes, mouth slightly agape, head tilted back. His eyes were burning into hers. He thrust up into her hard, and she whimpered. 

“Feel what you do to me, witch,” he breathed. “Feel how much you turn me on.”

Draco held her gaze, and she couldn’t take it anymore. She slumped forward and attacked his neck with her lips and teeth, grazing his jaw and making her way to his waiting mouth. 

Their kiss was searing, tongues fighting for dominance and lips hot with need. They started moving faster and one of his hands moved in between their bodies to start working her clit.

She moaned without trepidation. She was lost.

“I need you to come for me,” he groaned. “I need you to come, Hermione!”

“Yes,” she breathed, “yes, yes, yes!”

Their movements grew more frantic and she felt herself spinning out of control.

“God, Draco!” She sobbed as pleasure coursed through her entire being.

Hermione could feel him flipping them over so he was on top, her thighs still cradling his hips. He fucked her, panting heavily, and he bit down on her shoulder to muffle his own scream as his hips moved out of control. When he stilled, she felt sated.

Slumping down on the bed next to her, his fingers began drawing slow patterns on her stomach.  

“Sweet Salazar, we fit together perfectly. Sex has felt as good as it does with you,” he stated, tilting her chin towards him with his index finger and giving her a soft peck.

 “I feel the same,” she mumbled against his lips.

 Turning to her side she rested her cheek on his chest, his hand moved to draw patterns on her back.

“Did you sleep with Weasley yesterday?” Draco inquired.

She shook her head, and he let out a breath of relief.  

“I was so jealous,” he continued. “He got to kiss you in public and hold your hand. I could barely contain myself. I even left my sweets,” he huffed sourly.

“That actually reminds me…” she teased, moving out of his grasp.

He grumbled at the loss of contact.

Her legs were shapely and her ass tight and plump. Semen and her own juices were slowly running down her inner thighs, but she did not seem to notice.

“God, I love that butt of yours,” he said longingly.

She rushed back and got on the bed, handing him the bag, ignoring his lewd comment.

“Open it,” she encouraged him.

Draco grabbed the parcel and peeked inside. What caught his eyes was not what he’d expected. When he emptied the bag onto the bed, all his favorite treats tumbled out.

“How did you know what I like?” He asked her in awe.

“I just picked up the pile you left behind,” she confessed with a smile.

“T-thanks,” he beamed. “And here I thought you’d stalked me.”

“Nope, that’s just you,” Hermione giggled.

She pushed his shoulder, startling him.

“I feel bad for what happened yesterday. I thought we’d grown past such goading, but apparently n-,” she began, but he cut her off. 

“You didn’t do anything; you don’t have to apologize.”

Draco leaned in and gave her a peck. After putting his sweets back into the bag and setting it on the side table, he got up. 

“What do I owe you for those?” He inquired and pointed to the bag.

She gaped at him. “It’s a gift, you don’t have to-” she started but he cut her off again.

“You’re going to let me pay you back,” he stated, dominantly.

Getting up from the bed and looking at him quizzically, she answered, “I don’t want any of your money, Malfoy. It’s a gift, just take it!”

“Okay!” He huffed, but he seemed to be smug as well.

Hermione just shook her head and got dressed. When she left his room, she found Neville outside her own, pounding on her door. She snuck up behind him and blew hot air into his ear. He seemed to jump three feet and twirled around to gape at her.   
  
“Startled?” She laughed.

Catching his breath and glowering, he demanded to know where she’d been.

“You missed breakfast, and I couldn’t find you anywhere, where were you?” He accused.

“I was in the library.” The lie flew from her lips before she even thought about it. “Didn’t really feel hungry, so-” She broke off when she saw his eyebrows draw together in a scowl.

“No, you weren’t,” Neville stated. “I looked for you there.”

Hermione gulped and tried to hide it; she just repeated herself. “You probably didn’t see me. It’s a big library, and I was in the restricted section looking for information for my potions essay.”

“Where is the book then?” He questioned.

Swallowing again, she tilted her chin up. “I didn’t find what I was looking for, so I came back. Are you done accusing me now?” She snapped.

He looked a little taken aback at her abrupt fire.

“I came to ask if you wanted to hang with me and Hannah, but if you’re in a mood, I’m withdrawing the invitation,” he growled back.

Neville shook his head and continued chastising her. “I never see you anymore, and neither does anyone else. And-and you’ve started being friends with Malfoy and we’re all worried. I just feel like you’ve changed so much since the war, and I get it, but I miss my friend.”

“Neville, calm down, I’m the same,” she beseeched. “I’m planning a wedding, I’m taking 10 NEWTs, and I’m just stressed. Malfoy and I have been working on a few subjects together lately. You don’t have to worry.”

He gave her a small smile. “Sorry,” he noted. “I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything, I just… We miss you, come hang with us today. It’s Sunday!”

Hermione nodded. She told him she had to do a few things in her room before she came down. They decided to meet up in an hour. She showered and redressed, deciding on muggle wear. She put her hair up in a bun and made her way down.

When she entered the common room, she saw Neville, Luna, Ginny, Hannah, as well as a few other Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws. In the back, she spotted Theo Nott and Malfoy. Walking up to the group, she felt nervous.

Leaning into her Ginny whispered into her ear, “We decided to invite your new friend.”


	7. Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Better luck next time, huh, Granger?” He asked condescendingly.
> 
> She pushed his shoulder shaking her head.
> 
> “Dirty player,” she cackled.
> 
> “Don’t you like my game?” He smirked, and she shook her head once more, giggling.

**Sunday 13th March 1999**

The group made it out onto the grounds. The day was lovely, but Hermione felt slightly cold inside. How was she supposed to act with him while other people were around? She couldn’t flirt or touch him like she did when they were alone. It was going to be so straining keeping up pretenses. What if he flirted with her? How should she react?

Malfoy and Theo stayed towards the back of the group, quietly conversing amongst themselves. After walking up front with the other Gryffindors for a while, she fell into step next to them. Giving Draco a small smile, she introduced herself to Theo.

“Hi, I’m Hermione, I don’t think we’ve ever really spoken before,” she said, extending her hand towards his. He shook it giving her a shy smile.

“Hi, I’m Theo,” he answered. “Nice to finally meet you. Draco’s told me a lot about you, so I might know you better than you think.”

Was he implying what she thought he was implying? Had Draco told him about them? Her hands started to get clammy and she blushed, averting her eyes.

They were quiet for most of the walk across the grounds. Once the group stopped next to the lake, they all got blankets from a picnic basket Luna was carrying. They spread the blankets out on the grass and someone fished out two decks of playing cards from their pocket.

They all sat down and started preparing for a game of Exploding Snap. Hermione had never been excited to play games, but the spirits of the group were high that day. Everyone except for her seemed to be content to be spending the day outside in the sun.

Draco sat down next to her on one side, and Neville on the other. He was holding Hannah’s hand, rubbing the top of her hand with his thumb. She was so happy he’d been able to find love, and they seemed really good for each other.

Luna started dealing the cards and the game began. They decided that the loser of each round would be eliminated until a winner could be crowned from the two remaining players.

Malfoy won the first round and she barely got through. Draco seemed to be helping her stay afloat in the game; he played immediately before her since he was sitting to her right.

Luna and Theo were surprisingly good as well. After several rounds and lots of laughter and taunting, Hermione, Draco, Luna, and Theo were the only ones remaining. They moved into a smaller, tighter circle and began the next round. Ginny was sulking since she was the last to be eliminated; Hermione had beaten her by one card in the previous round.

“Stop cheating and helping Hermione, Malfoy,” she moaned and scowled.

“I’m not! Granger is playing her own game,” he quipped back.

“No, you are helping her!” Theo shot in.

He just barely managed to win a card from Luna since he was distracted with the conversation flowing around him. After a few more cards were played, Luna was out.

Theo smirked. A plan seemed to be forming in his head and he looked devious. He dealt the cards and they began playing.

Theo seemed determined to beat Hermione. She played to the best of her ability but had to be saved by Draco several times. When the round finally ended, Theo shot up and stomped his foot childishly.

“It’s no fun when you team up with a Gryffindor,” he scoffed. “What happened to house pride?”

Draco just smirked back.

“I got over it,” he said with a shrug and gathered the cards for the final showdown.

Hermione did not feel confident. Draco had been crushing everyone the entire game. He seemed to be a tactical player, much like Ron was when playing chess. She wondered if he might be a great chess player as well.

They started playing and the kindness he’d bestowed upon her throughout the previous rounds was completely forgotten. She was left in the lurch, completely crushed by Draco. He smirked at her.

“Better luck next time, huh, Granger?” He asked condescendingly.

She pushed his shoulder shaking her head.

“Dirty player,” she cackled.

“Don’t you like my game?” He smirked, and she shook her head once more, giggling.

Suddenly, Hermione noticed that everyone else was watching them. She blushed and looked away from him. He was still smirking. She moved away from Draco, settling herself next to Ginny.

“Good game,” Ginny noted sarcastically. “You would have been out second if he hadn’t helped you so much, you know!”

Hermione’s blush grew even redder. It was no secret that Ginny was a sore loser, and her bad attitude might be the reason for her remark, but Hermione started fearing that she was suspicious. Had she flirted with Draco? And if she had, had it been obvious to the people around them?

Deciding the best tactic was to change the subject, she started babbling about the Transfiguration homework that was due the next day. Ginny played along but seemed to be watching her curiously from the corner of her eye.

“You and Malfoy seem to have become quite close,” she said, trying for subtle and failing.

Hermione swallowed and got ready to answer when the boy in question plopped down next to her. He handed her a butterbeer and answered for her.

“Yeah, we’ve become quite good friends lately. I’m really glad she gave me a chance!” He droned on.

Ginny looked between them.

“Yes, I believe everyone deserves a second chance,” Hermione reasoned. “I’m surprised at how pleasant all of this has been, people from different houses coming together.”

Theo also settled himself with the little group, sipping his drink.

“There are more drinks in the basket if you want some,” he directed at Ginny. She smiled at him and got up, leaving Hermione with the Slytherins.

“Good game,” Hermione congratulated Theo, and he smirked at her.

“I would have beat you if Draco hadn’t been helping you the whole time,” he stated truthfully.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” she agreed.

“Do you have anything similar to Exploding Snap in the Muggle world?” Theo asked her. He seemed genuinely interested, and it surprised her.

“Not really,” she replied, “we have several card games, but none where the cards explode.”

They chatted a bit more and once they had finished their drinks, everyone packed up and headed back. Dinner was being served in an hour and they had been out by the lake for the entire day.

Hermione was starting to feel really hungry since she had missed breakfast that morning. She walked back to the castle next to Draco and started heading for her room. He followed her, and when they closed the door, he gave her a lingering kiss.

“I’m surprised at how nice it was hanging out with your friends today,” he mused while holding her in his arms.

She smiled and hugged him close.

“Yeah, me too,” she murmured into his chest, inhaling his scent.

The top notes of his scent were citrusy, refreshing and reminding her of sunshine and spring. At its heart, she could smell rosemary and rosewood. The base notes reminded her of oakmoss and incense. Mixed together, it created a sensual scent that made her want to climb him. He smelled like Draco and, if she was completely honest with herself, like home.

Snapping out of her inner musings, Hermione asked him something that had been bugging her all day. “Draco… Does Theo know about us?”

She could feel his chest rumble, and his head was resting on top of hers. She felt him shake his head and he said, “No, but I think he suspects. I’ve told him we’ve been spending a lot of time together lately, and he knows I like you. He’s known that for years.”

Hermione remained silent, thinking through this new information. She didn’t want anyone to know about their affair. When it came down to it, that’s what they were doing – having an affair. She was engaged to Ron, and she was secretly sleeping with Draco.

“Did you get the impression he knew?” He asked her, tilting her chin up so he could study her face.

When she nodded, he smirked at her. “He was simply using Slytherin tactics and fishing for information. Not everyone is as direct as Gryffindors, you know!” He scolded her.

Untangling from him, she went over to her desk and picked up a Chocolate Frog. She opened it and bit into it, moaning.

“I’m so hungry,” she complained.

He nodded. “Me too!”

They headed down to the Great Hall separately after a few more heated kisses and agreeing to meet again later that night.

 

* * *

 

 

Their kisses lingered for a long while when she came to his room that evening. They undressed each other slowly, and Draco’s eyes were shining when he admired her naked physique.

“You’re so beautiful,” he praised her as he brushed a strand of hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear.

Hermione gave him a shy smile. “So are you,” she countered, leaning in and giving him another deep, lingering kiss. He moaned into her mouth.

“Granger, I want you to sit on my face,” he stated abruptly.

She found herself slightly shocked at his statement. Her cheeks flushed Gryffindor red.

“What?” She asked, confused. Was it possible to have oral sex that way?  
He gave her a flirty smirk, rubbing the back of his fingers over her bright red cheek.

With a sexy drawl, he said, “Granger, I want you to straddle my head while I eat your pussy!”

Hermione felt herself getting excited. This was something new, something they’d never tried before. He lay down on the bed and gestured for her to come closer. Draco helped her into the right position. She straddled his head, feeling scared that she’d somehow smother him in this odd position. She loved being on top, and Draco knew this, but she felt they were taking an unnecessary risk with her sitting on his beautiful face.

His hands grasped her thighs, holding them in place so she was completely open to him. He coaxed her towards his waiting mouth, and she carefully started to rock her hips while he lapped at her clit. It felt really good!

Hermione put her hands on top of his. She interlaced their fingers with one hand while leaving his other hand clasping her thigh tightly.

Draco moaned underneath her and he began penetrating her with his tongue. She moaned, throwing her head back in ecstasy. Her hips rocked down on him faster. With his tongue pressed to her entrance, he angled his head and began rubbing her clit with the tip of his pointy nose. She let out a growl. Letting go of his hand she leaned forward, changing the position and placing her hands on the mattress above his head.

She rode his face in earnest, moaning sounds escaping her mouth. Hermione felt like she was on top of the world. He began sucking on her clit, and one hand moved from her thigh. His fingers entered her cunt and he pressed them in deeply, curling them and stroking her g-spot, pumping them in and out while they were still slightly bent. She pushed down on him greedily, screaming her release.

Once she came down from Nirvana, she could feel him trying to push her up. She rolled off quickly, giving him a sheepish smile.

“I got carried away,” she tried to explain.

“God, you’re trying to kill me,” Draco groaned. The double meaning of his words was obvious.

His erection was lying flat against his stomach, reaching all the way up to his navel. Hermione thought it must be at least eight inches in length. The head was nicely rounded and slightly larger than the rest of his shaft, its color a deep contrast to the rest of his pale skin. It was straining with blood, bordering on purple in colour. His shaft was slightly veined, and the skin was really smooth. His balls were tight against his body, and well-proportioned as well, scattered with trimmed blonde pubic hair.

His dick bobbed a bit as he caught her admiring it.

“I could say the same,” she smirked, moving her eyes from his shaft to his face.

Wiping her arousal from his face with the back of his hand, Draco rolled towards her and kissed her deeply. She could taste herself on his lips, and it turned her on even more.

“My turn,” she said, pulling herself away from him and getting off the bed, positioning herself on her knees on the floor. Hermione looked down demurely, waiting for him to get the memo.

Draco sat down on the bed in front of her. She’d never given him head before; she was usually on the receiving end of things, and she found herself growing excited.

Draco was stroking his generous length and looking down at her submissive position in front of him on the floor. Her hands were placed on top of her thighs, her legs were spread, and he could see her cunt glistening with both his saliva and her cream.

“Look at me,” he demanded, and Hermione’s large hazel eyes shot up to his face. Her mouth was slightly agape.

She leaned forward, her eyes still on him, and kissed the tip of his penis, smearing his precum with her lips. Draco groaned. She pushed his hands away and replaced them with her own. One hand fondled his sack, rolling his balls between her fingers. The other began stroking him slowly. She leaned forward and kissed him from hipbone to hipbone. She nipped her way downwards, sucking on the skin lazily.

Once he started pleading for her mouth on him, Hermione gave in and took him between her lips. He was larger than Ron. Swirling her tongue around his head, she moaned at the taste of more precum seeping out. She focused her tongue on the underside of his penis, knowing the nerves there were the most sensitive.

Draco groaned, and one of his hands circled her head and grasped her loose curls. He held her head in place while he rocked into her mouth. Feeling bold, she sucked her cheeks in further, making her mouth as tight as possible.

“God, Hermione, you’re so good at this. You’re perfect. My god, ahh,” he whined.

His grip loosened and she took control, drawing him in till he hit the back of her throat and increasing the speed. She pulled her lips off of him and started paying extra care to the head, pumping him with one hand. When his cock was back in her mouth, she could feel him vibrating with the coming climax. She worked him hard, moving her mouth up and down his shaft with more pressure than she had before.

Looking up at him, she could see he was straining to hold back. His jaw was slack, and his eyes were tightly shut. He was making unintelligible sounds, murmuring.

“God, princess, I’m going to come,” he rushed. “If you don’t want me to explode in your mouth, you have to stop.”

Hermione just kept going, loving that he was falling apart for her. After another minute, he finally reached his end; his cum shot down her throat, nearly choking her. She released him from her mouth, making a soft popping sound.

Spit and cum coated her swollen lips. She licked them and swallowed audibly. Draco was staring at her, his gaze filled with lust.

“That was one hell of a blow job,” he praised.

She remained on her knees and just smiled up at him.

“Not that I’m surprised, mind you. Is there anything you’re not good at?”

His hands grasped her arms to drag her up. She sat down on the bed next to him and leaned her head on his shoulder, glowing from all his praise.

“You gave me fireworks. I only reciprocated,” she whispered.

He took her hand in his and kissed her knuckles.

“Stay with me tonight?” He asked tentatively.

Hermione nodded and they both got under the sheets. Draco dragged her towards him, her back to his front so they were spooning. She murmured a spell, and the lights extinguished. He was so warm cuddled up against her.

“I never could do wandless magic,” he whispered into her hair.

“I got good at it during the war,” she answered.

They never spoke much about the war. It was a slight taboo in their strange relationship.

Feeling brazen, she continued, “During Christmas, Harry and I, we got into some trouble, and Harry’s wand broke, so we had to share mine for a while. I practiced a lot of wandless magic whenever he had my wand.”

“Where was Weasley?” He asked quietly.

“He’d left us,” she stated, just as quietly.

She could feel Draco shaking his head behind her. “Why would he do something so stupid?” He pressed. His tone was strained. There were a million things he was leaving unsaid.

“We didn’t have a lot of food and comfort on the run,” she began and then drew in a deep breath before she continued. “It was hard. We weren’t really making any headway with our mission for a long while, and it was really frustrating for him. He missed his family and started getting jealous of the fact that Harry and I could still be happy and get excited about little things, I think. Once he’d left, he told us he tried to come back, but he couldn’t find us. We moved around constantly and always warded the places we went, so that’s understandable. He found us a little while after Christmas, and things were both easier and more challenging after that, I guess.”

Hermione had been mad at Ron for months when he left them. She’d felt so betrayed and forgiving him had been hard. However, she felt as though Draco would use it as ammunition if she did not defend her friend. Draco was quiet for a moment.

“What about your family, Granger? Didn’t you miss them?” He whispered.

She sniffled a bit before she answered. “I had to hide my parents before the war started. I erased their memories and shipped them off to Australia.”

He gave her waist a tight squeeze, prompting her to continue. And she did, the words flowing from her honest mouth. “I was afraid they’d be targeted since everyone knew I was so close with Harry… I-I didn’t want them to get hurt. I made them forget I ever existed; they still don’t know they have a daughter.”

Hermione started crying, and Draco rubbed her arm, trying to give her some comfort.

“Did you try to reverse the spell after the war?” He questioned.

Feeling her throat closing up, she croaked out, “Yes, I went to Australia as soon as the war ended, but the damage was too deep. You can usually reset one event quite easily, but erasing an entire person is harder - there are too many events. I knew it was the most likely outcome when I performed the spell, but I was still holding onto hope…”

Draco slowly turned her in his arms and pressed her into his chest. She fit her head in the crook of his neck and wept in earnest, letting go of all the feelings she’d been holding onto for too long. He tried his hardest to provide her with the comfort she obviously needed.

“I’m so sorry you had to do that, Hermione,” he whispered, holding her tightly.

Her tears continued to flow for quite some time. Once she finished, she felt drained. Leaning back to look at his face, she found his expression pained.   
He brought one of his hands up to her face to stroke away the tears littering her cheeks. He gave her a soft peck on the forehead and snuggled her close once more.

“I’m so, so sorry,” he whispered, repeating himself over and over again while stroking her back. She fell asleep while the words were still seeping from his apologizing lips.


	8. Not That Kind of Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One minute you say we're a team  
> Then you're telling me you can't breathe  
> Well you should set me free  
> Baby, if you're over me
> 
> Yesterday you said I'm the one  
> But now you say you're done  
> Stop telling me what I need  
> Baby, if you're over me
> 
> Years & Years (If you’re over me)

**Friday 29th April 1999**

Their relationship continued to grow stronger as the weather grew warmer. By the end of April, they were sleeping in the same bed every night. Hermione was still unsure about her feelings, but he didn’t rush her. Draco was patient, passionate and funny. She went to bed with a smile on her face every night, feeling sated from both his body and his mind. He was such a surprise, and she often thought about what it would have been like if they had been friends all along. Would she be in the situation she was in if she really knew him when they were younger?

NEWTs were only a week away, and Hermione was dedicating more and more time to revision. They had most of the same subjects even if they didn’t have class at the same time. She was fascinated at the vast amount of knowledge he seemed to have when it came to potions; it was obviously his strongest subject. He could talk about cauldrons, recipes, and the principles of different ingredients for hours on end and, rather than getting bored with their conversations, she found it exciting. None of her other friends were very interested in talking about their schoolwork. They usually hated it when she would ramble on about the things she was passionate about, even though she always suffered through their Quidditch discussions.

She had yet to tell Ron about their indiscretions and it was driving Draco slightly mad. Ron and Harry were both in the field for Auror training for the entire month of April. She wouldn’t be seeing her fiancé in person until after the end of the school year, and she couldn’t reach him by owl while he was in the field, either. Hermione felt this was a reasonable excuse for not coming clean with Ron yet.

As April was coming to an end, her anxiety kept rising. What would she write to him when he finished training? She knew Draco expected her to have some damn courage and tell the truth, but she couldn’t. How did you tell your fiance, who had started out as one of your best friends, that you didn’t want to go through with the wedding? How did you disclose the horrible things you’d done? How?

That afternoon, Hermione and Draco had found a secluded classroom to work on some assignments. They could have gone to the library, but they wanted privacy. Draco was left-handed, so he was able to hold her hand while they both wrote and revised. He loved holding hands.

She was chuckling at a comment he’d made about the potions text he was reading, and she put her head on his shoulder, shaking with quiet laughter Suddenly, the classroom door opened.

Neville stared at the scene before him, seeing their clasped hands and intimate body language. His eyebrows shot up, and his mouth popped open into a perfect ‘O’. Hermione let go of Draco’s hand and stood up, her mind running haywire. Neville sharply turned around and bolted, and she ran after him.

In the next corridor, she caught up with him and pulled him into an alcove.

“I don’t know what you think you saw,” she started, but he interrupted her.

“Are you cheating on Ron?” He hissed, face disgusted.

She just met his eyes, pleading with him.

“Oh my god! Hermione!”

He brought his hands up to his hair and ran them roughly through it. Shaking his head, Neville backed away from her and leaned against the wall.

“Did you know that Hannah and I started seeing each other before I broke it off with Luna?” He asked her.

Hermione was shocked and remained silent, still embarrassed after his admission.

After a minute or so, he added, “We didn’t sleep together or anything like that, but we did flirt, and that alone was wrong of me.”

Hermione groaned at the pained expression on his face. All her insecurities about her secret relationship with Draco were coming at her full force. Shaking her head, she looked down, studying her Mary Janes.

“How long?” He asked her. When she didn’t answer him right away, he repeated himself. “How long has this been going on for, Hermione?”

Swallowing, she summoned her courage and told him. “A few months.”

“A few months?” Neville gasped.

“How far have you gone with him?” He probed.

Once again, she just shook her head. Her silence spoke volumes.

“Okay,” he said, dragging the word out. “You’re not the kind of girl who is comfortable cheating on her boyfriend, Hermione. If you don’t love Ron, you have to break it off with him. If you do, I-I don’t know. No matter what - you have to tell him!”

“I’m going to,” she said, voice thick. “I-I-I just don’t know what to say, I don’t want to hurt him, and telling him is going to hurt him.”

The excuse came out sounding empty even to her own ears.

“I don’t care if it’s hard. You have to tell him! I’m not going to threaten you by saying that ‘if you don’t tell him, I will’, or whatever nonsense people in this situation usually say. But please, Hermione, tell him! I’ll keep it a secret until you do.”

Turning around, Neville walked away and left her standing in the alcove alone.

She was breathing heavily, and she had to put a hand on the wall to steady herself. Tears started streaming down her face. She needed to gather herself. She was out in the open, only slightly hidden in the alcove. She needed to get to her room or back to the classroom. She kept her head down and hurried away, going back toward the classroom she’d run from earlier.

Suddenly, Hermione ran into a wall of flesh. Draco put his arms around her and led her into an empty room where she would be shielded from prying eyes if anyone were to come down the corridor. He kept her tight in his grasp while she wept.

“It’s going to be alright, baby,” he soothed. She tried to wiggle out of his embrace. His attempts to comfort her only made her more uncomfortable, but he did not loosen his grip.

“Please, Hermione, talk to me,” he pleaded. “Please, please stop crying.”

Draco’s voice was strained, trying to control all the emotions he was feeling. He hated seeing her like this, so sad and … broken.

After an eternity, her soft crying turned to dry heaves. She turned away from him, steadied herself on the wall and heaved her entire lunch onto the stone floor. Wiping her mouth on the back of her hand, she slid down the wall a small distance away from her pool of sick.

Draco pointed his wand at the vomit and whispered, “Evanesco,” vanishing her sick, but not her shame.

He slid down the wall next to her, put his arm around her, and pulled her close.

“What did Longbottom say to you?” He asked gently.

“He told me that if I don’t love Ron, I should break it off and that I needed to tell him about you, no matter what,” she whispered.

Humming, he patted her hair. “That’s what I’ve been telling you all along,” he pointed out.

Hermione sniffed, and he handed her a handkerchief. Wiping her nose and under her eyes, she responded, “Yeah, I know, but it sounded different coming from someone else.”

“Why?” He inquired.

“Oh, I don’t know, Draco, why don’t you tell me?!”

She didn’t know why she was getting angry, but she was. She pulled away from him and got to her feet, signaling for him not to follow her.

“Stop comforting me! I don’t deserve it!” She seethed. “Stop being so damn understanding and kind!”

“Why, what would you like me to do?” He yelled back.

Stomping her foot, she turned in a circle throwing her hands in the air.

“Oh, I don’t know! Call me a slut, yell at me for stringing you along! Tell me I’m dirty or call me a Mudblood! I don’t know, just stop being so fucking kind!” Hermione screamed.

He also threw his hands in the air, seething. “Fine! You’re a dirty, dirty slut, a fucking adulteress! Does it make you happy hearing me say that?”

Tears started streaming down her face once more, and she hung her head.

“At least it’s the truth,” she sighed, leaving the room and slamming the door behind her.

Draco quickly followed her and dragged her back into the classroom.

“Stop it, Hermione!” He yelled once the door closed. “Don’t push me away!”

She crossed her arms, curling in on herself.

“I need space, Draco! Just give me some space for Merlin’s sake!” She declared, making her way to the door once again.

This time, he did not follow her.

 

* * *

  
Three days went by, and Draco and Hermione still hadn’t spoken. She felt very alone sleeping without him tucked in beside her. Her bed was cold, and she missed his arms around her.

She felt like he’d been a heating bulb inside her heart, keeping her warm and constantly glowing.

But when she asked for space and essentially ended things between them, the bulb hadn’t just gone cold or stopped glowing - it had shattered, and she could feel the splintered glass poking at her insides.

The inside of her heart.

This is what heartbreak feels like, she thought to herself. A million little shards of glass tearing tiny holes in your heart and in your stomach.

If she felt heartbroken, she could infer that she’d loved him.

She still loved him.

 

* * *

  
On the fourth day, Hermione started drafting a letter to Ron. She was still struggling with what to say, but she wanted to say something.

 

* * *

 

On the fifth day, she talked to Neville again. He held her while she cried for hours. She wanted it to be Draco’s arms around her, not someone else’s…

 

* * *

 

 

On the sixth day, she sent her letter to Ron, telling him what had happened. 

  
It read:

_Dear Ron,_

_I want you to be alone when you read this._

_I have something really horrible to tell you, and you have every right to be angry with me when you read it._

_A few months ago, I started sleeping with someone else. It started out as a mistake, and then it turned into something … more._

_I’m so sorry. I should never have done anything like that to you. I do love you._

_I’m not going to make excuses for what I did. It’s inexcusable, but I will provide an explanation. I was having second thoughts about the wedding. You already know I felt rushed; we’ve talked about that. I never wanted to let you down, and yet I did._

_I guess I felt trapped, and I wanted to step out of myself for a while._

_I started drinking a bit too much after Christmas. I wasn’t in a good place and I should have talked to you about that. I just didn’t know what to say._

_I guess I still don’t._

_I am so very sorry._

_I’m sorry._

_Love, Hermione_

 

* * *

  
On the seventh day, she received a howler from Molly. She opened it in her room, silencing the door so no one else would hear about the terrible things she had done. She cried like a baby when it was over.

 

* * *

  
On the eighth day, Ron showed up at Hogwarts during breakfast. It was the weekend, and she was absent from the Gryffindor table. Neville told him to check her room. That was where he found her, lying awake in bed looking awful.

“I came to talk to you,” he murmured from her doorway. She nodded for him to come in.

He sat in her only chair, looking broken.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” Hermione whispered.

“But you did,” was his only response.

She got out of bed and knelt at his feet. She grasped his hands and held them to her up to her cheeks.

Sighing loudly, Ron pushed her away, got up and started pacing. She stayed on the floor, kneeling. Finally, his anger broke loose.

“Have you any idea what it’s like to receive a bloody letter like the one you sent me?” He raged. He did not wait for an answer before continuing his tirade. “I don’t know what’s up with you. We were so happy this summer, despite everything that had happened. I love you! And I thought you loved me too, I thought we were happy!”

Hermione couldn’t look at him. She did not want to see the look in his eyes. She heard him take several breaths to calm down, and he continued in a softer tone.

“I want you to be my wife, and I want to build a family with you. Despite what you’ve done, I still want that. I don’t forgive you, but I still want to be with you. I believe you are better than your mistakes, Hermione. I won’t leave you - as long as we continue with the wedding as planned. Do you want that? Don’t you want a family? To be part of my family?”

She whimpered. Of course, she wanted a family. Of course, she wanted to be a part of it all. But how could he be this noble?

Clearing his voice Ron continued. “Listen, I don’t know who the guy is, and I don’t want you to tell me. I’ll give you until the end of the school year. Do whatever you want to do. As long as you walk down that aisle in July, I’ll give you whatever you want. All I want is you, despite what you’ve done. As long as I end up with you in the end, it does not matter. As long as you choose me, Hermione, I will forgive you…”

Hermione swallowed. How could he still want this? Did she? She’d thought he’d end things between them when she sent the letter. Sending that letter had brought her both pain and relief in equal measure. She was a nebula of mixed emotions. She could not decide, and despite her inner turmoil, she heard herself say, “Okay, Ron. I’ll do it. I’ll walk down the aisle in July.”


	9. Dilemma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter is being posted a few days late. I'm a university student and I've been super busy with exams the last week. The last chapter of this fic will be posted this Saturday most likely. I hope you enjoy this chapter though it is a bit angsty. 
> 
> P.S  
> Thank you all so much for commenting and showing me lots of love throughout this fic. I can't believe the response I've gotten. I really appreciate it!

Cross me out  
Don’t change a single sentence  
Don’t change a single word, name or color  
Keep going forward - in the direction of distance   
If I go forward - and you back  
will we meet   
in a beginning or end?

You and I - We are going nowhere  
our place is here  
We move together  
Where will we put all the happiness?  
You sleep - so heavily - fluttering hands - your skin is pale  
You sleep - so young - your hair has grown

A quick movement - over your face  
A wing – a kind of light - or darkness - a shadow - a sigh  
a facial sigh  
What do you see? What do you hear?  
What do you want?  
Where have you been?  
Your hair has grown…  
Where do you go when you sleep so heavily?

 

* * *

 

  
**Sunday, May 9th, 1999**

Hermione woke up alone again the next morning. The next day, she would start taking her NEWTs. The 8th years were taking them a few weeks before the 7th years.

The 7th years were set to start on May 24th. Then OWLs were scheduled for the week after that, starting May 31st.

The Hogwarts Express would be taking them back to London on Friday, June 19th. She only had a bit more than a month left at the school that had been her home for 7 years.

For the first time in her life, she did not feel prepared for the upcoming tests, and she didn’t care. Nothing really mattered anymore, and she was dreading the talk she knew she’d be having with Draco soon.

Spring had turned Hogwarts into a lush, green paradise. It was strange how things could be so great and so terrible at the same time. Hermione was happy that Ron still wanted her to be a part of his family. Deep down, she knew she was. She could not bear losing any more people. She’d already lost too many.

She still didn’t know how to feel though. She thought she had ended things when she sent that letter, but apparently, Ron was even more amazing than she’d thought. He was fighting for them, he was fighting for her, and she was letting him down.

The only thing she knew was that she could not lose her family. She would not survive that a second time around.

A letter from Harry arrived that day, urging her to talk to him. She ignored it.

Ginny had been giving her a wide birth since she’d sent the letter to Ron, and her only ally seemed to be Neville. He was the only rock keeping her from drowning. He sat with her during meals, trying to engage her in conversation and doing his best to help her keep functioning.

When Hermione and Neville left the Great Hall, a hand grabbed hers. She turned to see Draco looking at her. He looked like he’d been crying. His eyes were red-rimmed. He also looked like he hadn’t been sleeping much.

“Can we talk for a bit? Alone,” he asked, eyeing Neville.

“Okay,” Hermione replied.

She followed him to an alcove and cast a ‘Muffliato’ to keep their conversation private.

“I miss you,” he stated.

“I miss you, too.”

“Why aren’t we talking? We should be talking,” he muttered. He looked at the floor, spinning the ring he wore on his index finger around and around.

“I have a lot to think about, Draco,” she bit out, trying to think of what to say. After a moment, she continued, “Once we’ve finished our NEWTs, I promise we’ll talk. I just, I can’t today. My head is too full.”

He sighed. Hermione ran her fingers over his cheek, and his eyes snapped to hers.

“Go to the hospital wing and request some sleeping potion,” she suggested, and then she turned away from him. She quickly found Neville and headed to the library.

 

* * *

  
**Monday, May 10th, 1999**

That night, Hermione dreamt of the war for the first time since she’d started seeing Draco. She dreamt of the Room of Hidden Things. She dreamt that they hadn’t turned around to save Malfoy and Goyle. She dreamt that Draco’s body had been eaten by the Fiendfyre, and she’d done nothing. His eyes had been pleading with her, and she’d done – nothing… She woke up screaming.

After taking a scalding shower and dressing, she went down to the Great Hall for breakfast, already feeling like the day had lasted too long. Her first exam of the day was written Transfiguration, then written Charms. After lunch, she had taken her practical Potions exam. She got through it on autopilot. Once she had finished, she did not remember what she had been asked to brew.

Hermione ate dinner at the Gryffindor table, listening to the empty noise the people around her were making. She supposed they were talking, discussing the exams or just goofing around, but she didn’t care. After she finished eating, she went to bed, hoping to catch a few hours of sleep before her midnight exam in Astronomy.

She finished just after two o’clock and was greeted by a cold and empty bed when she entered her room. She barely slept at all, and the next day she felt horrible. Hermione was scheduled for written DADA and written Care of Magical Creatures before lunch. After her break, she took her practical exams in Herbology and Charms.

Wednesday went much the same. She sat for her written Arithmancy and Ancient Runes exams that morning and, after lunch, she had her practical Transfiguration and Care of Magical Creatures.

Thursday, she endured two written exams in Potions and History of Magic. She finished before lunch and went to the infirmary, begging Madam Pomfrey for some Dreamless Sleep Potion. The matron obliged.

Her only remaining practical was set for Friday morning, and she was dreading it. DADA had never been her strongest subject.

Hermione slept for 12 hours straight, waking up feeling better than she had in weeks. She ate a full English breakfast and sat her last written exam. Herbology was neither hard, nor easy – she felt she had done okay, but not Outstanding level.

The dreaded exam in Defence came right after lunch. She managed to perform all the spells required, and her instructor beamed at her. She left without doing anything extra, doubting she’d be able to cast a Patronus in the mood she was in.

“Have a good day, Miss Granger!” The examiner called out after her. She turned around and gave the woman a sweet smile.

“Thank you, you too!” She called back.

A tired blond was sitting outside of the Great Hall. She’d seen him take his exam before her, and it was obvious he was waiting for her. Once Draco noticed her approaching, he greeted her.

“Feel good to be done?” He asked her.

“Yeah, I guess. Do you think you did alright?”

“I think I did fine, but there’s no way to really know, right?”

They fell into step beside each other, both unsure of what to say. Hermione headed into her room, allowing him to follow her.

Draco looked very unsure of himself, and that was something she was not used to seeing.

“Do you really love him? Or are you just staying with him because you feel like you can’t leave him?” He asked her, clearly understanding the situation.

“I can’t leave him. He’s the only family I’ve got left. I’m not just marrying him, you know, I’m marrying them all. It’s the only way I won’t be alone.” Hermione sighed and continued, “I told him about the cheating, we talked about a week ago. But… I don’t know. Draco - ” She stopped speaking again, struggling to drag air into her lungs.

“- I love you,” she added, after a beat. She looked at him, begging him to say something. He stayed silent.

“Is there anything more powerful than saying ‘I LOVE YOU’ and meaning it?” She whispered, putting her palm on his chest.

He looked at her, stricken.

“Yes, there is something more powerful. Like saying, ‘I’ll stay with you’, and going through with it,” he replied, sombrely.

She stared at him meekly. She just couldn’t. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t choose. Couldn’t not choose. Couldn’t keep hurting them. Couldn’t leave him. Couldn’t stay either.

Hermione felt utterly lost.

He leaned down and kissed her cheek.

“You’ve never told me you love me before,” he murmured.

“I do mean it,” she spoke softly, looking into his eyes. She leaned up and kissed him. He remained still for only a moment before he returned her kiss.

“I’m glad you told Weasley,” he said when they broke apart.

“I am, too. He deserved to know.”

Draco seemed to hesitate then voiced his question. “Did you tell him it was me, or did you just tell him there was an affair?”

Before she could answer he added, in a rush, “I haven’t received any howlers from his family yet, so I’m guessing not.”

She nodded, and he hugged her tightly.

“Did he yell at you? Did he tell you he never wanted to see you again?”

“No.”

He looked at her, completely shocked.

“No,” Hermione repeated, “he took it pretty well. He told me he loves me no matter what, but he was hurt. He said that as long as I married him in July, all would be forgiven.”

“So, this is not us finally making up,” he stated sadly.

“I don’t know,” she answered. “I’ve felt like I’ve been falling apart all week, staying away from you. I don’t know what to do.”

“I’ll give you three days,” Draco said, and her eyes snapped to his. He grabbed her hand, that still rested on his chest, squeezing it. “I’ll give you three days to yourself to make your decision. And then you’ll simply tell me what you choose. And either I’ll be really happy, or not, but you only get three days. Make a decision. Please, just make up your mind.”

He gave her one last peck on the lips, and then he left her room. She could hear him whispering over his shoulder as he exited. “I love you too, Princess. More than you’ll ever know.”

When the door closed with a soft click behind him, she stared at the wooden surface for a long time.

She climbed into her four-poster and started weeping. After a while, she got back up. Hermione wiped her eyes and started pacing. An overwhelming sense of icky-ness surrounded her. Her stomach twisted and she could feel bile starting to rise up in her throat. She had to figure this out. She felt like everything she thought and everything she did was wrong.

She wasn’t a girl who really believed in fate or destiny or soulmates. She believed in cold hard facts, free will, and good choices. She did the only thing that came to mind -- she made a list.

Hermione divided a piece of parchment in two, and she wrote down their names, one on each half. She started writing pros and cons under each name, once again drawing two lines. The parchment was now divided into four neat, blank boxes. She would weigh her options, be clinical and structured, and based on the list, she’d make a decision.

Under Draco’s “Pros” column she wrote down:  
 **\- Love.**


	10. I do.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was born when I met you  
> Now I'm dying to forget you  
> And that is what I know  
> Though I dreamed I would fall  
> Like a wounded cannonball  
> Sinking down with my heart in tow
> 
> \- Brandi Carlile (Cannonball)

**Monday, May 17th, 1999**

We only think we know each other, Hermione mused, walking up to his bedroom door to knock.

His door was only halfway closed, and she peered around it, catching Draco in a private moment, one where he wasn’t putting on a mask for anyone. He was leaning back, looking tired. His eyes were closed, while the light kept seeping out of him.

Her hand was suspended in the air, ready to knock. She stared at him, taking him in. It hurt. Looking at him physically hurt. He was so beautiful, but also so sad and she was the one responsible for his sorrow. She’d kept him on the razor’s edge too long. It was time for the scale to finally tip one way or the other.

She’d made her decision based on facts written down on parchment. A set list, something to be measured, something that was non-negotiable.

When Hermione knocked on the door softly, his eyes snapped to hers through the crack. She pushed the door open and he sat up in bed, looking at her.

“So, you decided,” Draco said tentatively.

“Yeah,” she answered. He kept his eyes on hers.

“I can’t leave him, he’s the only family I’ve got,” she stated, breaking their gaze.

“What if I put everything into the effort of becoming the man of your dreams and I did everything you ever asked of me?” he pleaded, sounding desperate.

“Make your mind up. You can only have one of those options, not both, Malfoy. The man of my dreams would not do everything I want, there would be no challenge in that, I'm so sorry...” she answered.

Hermione turned away from him, unable to look at Draco as his face set like stone. She was afraid he’d crumble before she made it out.

She walked out of his room, breaking her own heart before he would get a chance to do it. She left him alone in the room with all the memories of their short-lived relationship, their trysts, their love. She couldn’t help but think to herself:

 _Maybe we hurt the ones we love the most because that’s the only thing we can stand._  
_Maybe secretly we’re sparing them from future pain._  
_Maybe she’d made a mistake._  
_Maybe this was what losing felt like._

He did not follow her. 

* * *

 

During the last month of her last term at Hogwarts, Hermione walked around like a ghost, barely even there. She was only an imprint of the girl she had been before she’d known what it was like to be loved by him was left. A line from a song kept playing in her head: ‘I was born when I met you, now I’m dying to forget you’. It played on repeat like a mantra. 

She didn’t see Draco once in the last month of their term. The 8th years had no more classes, and all that was left was graduation. After a week had gone by, she found out he’d been granted a pass to leave early.

Most 7th and 8th-year students spent the remaining days lounging outside since they were finished with their exams. The sun still shone, but Hermione could not feel it. She sat with her small group of friends and listened to their happiness. A certain kind of melancholy hung over the older students, knowing these were the last days of their youth. Soon enough, they would be out in the real world again.

Ginny was still giving her the cold shoulder, and she found she did not care. She’d written Ron to tell him that she’d ended everything, and his response was warm and happy.

She wrote to Harry, telling him everything except for whom she’d cheated with. She knew he was disappointed in her, but that was no surprise – she was disappointed in herself.

As she packed her trunk, getting ready to board the Hogwarts Express for the final time the next day, she broke down for the first time since she’d written the list.

Neville found her on the floor of her room, weeping. He wrapped his arms around her waist and began rocking her back and forth. It felt nice to have someone’s arms around her. Hermione turned her face into his neck and started sobbing in earnest. Her tears were soaking his shirt.

“Shhh, it’ll be okay, Hermione, I promise,” he cooed. After some time, he let go of her and helped her up into a standing position.

“Are you sure you made the right choice?” he asked quietly. Shaking her head, no, was all the confirmation he got.

“Do you love him?” He pressed. She scoffed.

“Which one?” She asked him.

“Either or both?”

“I love Ron, but I – I, I’m in love with Draco.” She started pacing, needing to move while talking about this. “I mean, why would I stop loving him just because the relationship is over?”

Hermione looked at Neville through teary eyes. He stared back at her.

“Hermione,” he said softly, as though he was talking to a wounded animal. “Hermione - you’re making a mistake and I can’t let you go through with it.”

“But I weighed all my options,” she said stubbornly, “And Ron’s pro side of the list was longer than Draco’s by a landslide.”

Neville looked at her quizzically. “You made a list?” He asked. 

Nodding she turned to her desk to retrieve it. The paper was tear-stained and crumpled. She showed it to him, and he stared down at it.

“If life was a game, Hermione, love would be your trump card. It does not matter how much the other side is worth. Love conquers all,” Neville stated, showing wisdom far beyond his eighteen years. 

* * *

 

A week after term ended the Daily Prophet announced that the wedding was off. Hermione moved into a hotel temporarily and began hunting for a cheap one-room apartment. She had several interviews lined up for the next couple of weeks at the ministry. What she wanted most was to be chosen as an Unspeakable. To spend every day trying to solve life’s mysteries seemed like a dream come true. She was also interviewing for a few desk jobs with different branches of the ministry. 

She felt as though things were lining up nicely, she just didn’t know how to tackle reaching out to Draco. 

She knew she’d have to beg for his forgiveness after causing him so much pain. She struggled to find her courage. What if he turned her away as she had done to him? That would break her.

A month went by, and Hermione still hadn’t worked up the courage to contact Draco. The fear that he would turn her away, as she’d done to him and Ron both, was so all-consuming it left her immobile.

She thought about how hard it was to divide between love and grief; maybe there wasn’t room for both, only room for the grief over lost love. She knew she only had herself to blame, she was the reason she’d lost him, yet her misery was still as raw as if she was the one who’d been left behind.

In the beginning, her anguish had been like liquid, spilling out in the form of tears.  
It felt like the grief splashed over the edges if she moved or thought too fast, pouring out as tears.

But, as it got older and colder it began to set like stone, no longer able to flow and move. It became trapped inside her chest, unable to be released anymore. It was also much heavier to hold.

Finally, and far too late, she wrote him a letter. It simply said:

 _Is there anything more powerful than saying ‘I LOVE YOU’ and meaning it?_  
_Yes._  
_To say, ‘I’ll stay with you,’ and go through with it._

 _I’ll stay with you if you’ll stay with me._  
_I’ll love you if you will love me._  
_I’ll go through with it if you will too._  
_I mean it (whether or not you do)._

_Love, Hermione_

His reply came within the hour. It contained two words.  
  
_I do._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it, the last chapter. I really hope you've enjoyed this fic. I am so grateful to everyone who's been leaving me comments kudos and bookmarks on here, I really appreciate the support!

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic, ever. Please review if you liked it or have some feedback for me. That would be much appreciated.  
> I will try to update this once a week. Either Saturday, Sunday or Monday, depending on my schedule.  
> My Beta is PotionChemist, she is awesome!  
> PS.  
> I made a playlist for the fic:  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/jennyaustmo/playlist/7xyjnBNcN9y0nEmBJZNIIE?si=JVZVOkKoQcyU9RSsDzTcgA
> 
> And a tumblr page:  
> Http://pureprose.tumblr.com
> 
> Check them out!


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